Random Thoughts

Is it okay to tolerate someone who has hypocritical tendencies, yet is blinded by their own insecurities to see what they are actually doing? Just asking. It was on my mind. Having random thoughts lately. But I guess that is better than having no thoughts at all.

Is it a little awkward to want to go to a pub for a Sunday brunch after church?

I was looking up plane tickets to Anchorage to see a friend...and OMG, they are so expensive... even a couple of months out. So, we'll have to re-evaluate that whim.

I wish I could make everything better... like "be the change you want to see in the world" is my new slogan. I just can't please everyone all the time. It gets old after a while, trying to avoid things, step on eggshells, and tread lightly around a select few. If they don't know me, like me, or love me by now... oh well. It probably meant they are there for a season... but not a lifetime.

Current Events:

Tonight I had fun, Rockies baseball vs. Cardinals... they lost 3-6, but it was fun, nonetheless. Went with Stef, TB, Carlei and Jeff. We were in the upper section, but had a pretty good view of 1st base. The weather was perfect for a baseball game, and the sun fading behind the mountains was beautiful.

Before the game, we caught the last quarter of "non-competition" of ut vs. utep at a little Texas bar and grill in Denver. It was fun, and I was amazed to see all the burnt orange shirts filling up the place. A victory is a victory though, and Texas did it in a big way.

And then I found out that UH beat Texas Tech... what?!? that's awesome.

all in all. a good night out with friends. that always makes me feel good.

My Dad

Yesterday my dad would have been 74. I miss him. :) I can't help but feel selfish and wish he was still here, but I think of him more often than not, and wonder what he would do in certain situations, what he would say...

I miss his smile. Always could warm a room, made me feel like the most loved person in the world, made me feel good about myself, it was validation of the love between a father and a daughter.

I miss his eyes. Though the last days here, his eyes were not as happy as they usually were, they were full of worry and anxiety, but there was a sense of calm when he looked at me. My dad actually smiled with his eyes. He had joy in him, and loved to share.

I miss him. period.

Be sure and tell those who you love, cherish, and are thankful they are in your life... what you feel... because one day, as dismal as it sounds, you may not have the chance... and why wouldn't you want to make someones day? make them feel better? let them know you care?

I try to use what my dad taught me in that I am open and honest with my feelings, about my family, my friends, people who are closest to me. It may be repetitive when I say I love you, I appreciate you, I'm thankful for you... but each time, each and every time I say it, write it, email it, I mean it. :)

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Disappointment

The words that my cousin relayed to me the other day are becoming more clear as I sit here, alone in this dark room, with mountains hiding in the distance. I tend to write more at night... when it's quiet, and I can actually complete thoughts in my head.

Some of you think it's so strange that I write down what I am thinking... Well, if I didn't want you to know what I was thinking, I wouldn't attempt to write on this blog/journal. Anyway, she said, and I quote,

"You can only trust in the Lord. Humans will let you down, my dear. They will always let you down. No matter who it is..."

I sit here and basically beat myself up thinking I did something wrong, said something wrong, looked at someone wrong... but in actuality, I don't deserve this. No one deserves to feel belittled, unloved, underappreciated... but many people do. Why do I sit here and ponder over stupid stuff, that won't make a difference 5 years from now anyway... probably won't make a difference in 10 minutes...

People do let me down. And irritates me how I notice it. I am disappointed in someone at the moment. They have no idea. It's all because of my expectations I am certain. So I'll get over it.

I have often wondered why can't they, and what if they, and why don't they... I am really tired of trying to understand the way people think. I'm not a psychologist, psychic, doctor, counselor, etc... (and bless you if you are one)... and it gives me a headache to try and "figure people out" when I shouldn't have to.

One minute, every thing is fine.
The next minute, it's totally opposite.

Have you ever not wanted to answer the phone? Ok, for some of you, this isn't a far stretch from your reality... but for me, I genuinely like to talk to people, all kinds of people, except bill collectors and solicitors... but for the most part, I just like talking to people. But there are those moments, when I just want to hit "ignore" when someone calls because I just don't have the energy to be happy and upbeat and positive, especially if their life is filled with drama and I have to listen to it... call me selfish. insensitive. whatever you like. but that's what I feel.

I read two chapters of my book, Blue Like Jazz... and came to the conclusion that I feel some of what the writer was feeling. At the end of Chapter 1, I highlighted a paragraph that I can relate to...

Other people have feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually mean something, that I can make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them. I suddenly felt responsible. I was supposed to make them happy, not sad...

From Chapter 2...

If you don't love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them, you get pleasure from their pleasure and it makes it easy to serve...

the path to joy winds through a dark alley.

5 Questions I ask myself right now:

Why do I let myself become emotionally attached to someone else?

Am I doing what God wants me to do to make Him happy, which in turn makes others happy?

Why do I question the reasons for the friendships I have?

Why do I let tiny actions cause larger reactions from me?

How long will I have to walk in the dark before joy slaps me in the face?

feel free to fill me in on the answers if you feel so inclined. :)

Blue Like Jazz

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality

A book that was given to me to read by a wonderful friend of mine.


This is a great book so far...

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

This is a great quote from the "Author's Note" page at the very front...

Just taking from this quote... isn't that true? He was referring to a sax player playing with his eyes closed...

I apply this to other areas of my life.

Giving
My parents have always been giving people. I emulated them, and saw their passion for giving. So, now, I love to give.

Reading & Writing
My grandmother loved to read. I never really understood it until she took me to the library and explained how you can travel and go on explorations, just by opening and reading a story. I would see firsthand, the effect a good book had on her, so I was curious. Then I started reading... and writing my own stories, taking me away to my own destinations with no limits.

Driving
Now, if any of you know me, you know I love to drive. My mom and dad both influenced me there. But seeing my dad have so much fun, as I sat in the passenger seat of my new '66 Mustang he just bought me when I was 16, and feeling the thrill of fishtailing around a corner on a dirt road... made me want to drive like that.Well, maybe not exactly like that... but I wanted to feel that thrill. He loved to handle a car like that. Loved it. And my mom always drove fast, careful, but fast. So, I love to drive.

Shopping
My sister loves to shop. Has ever since I can remember. This ties in with the giving as well... I love shopping with her. It gives her so much joy and happiness to shop... and now I love it. Just ask my friends.

Taking Photos
Again, this is from my dad. He loved his camera(s)... and I was surrounded by many images he took my whole life. I have a favorite one of me and my mom, that he took, and I used it in a collage for her. I am including it. To see my dad enjoy so much taking photos, capturing memories, documenting our life... that was amazing. I'm sure it rubbed off on me, and I love taking photos now.

Food
Yes, I love food. All my friends love food. Many of them are excellent cooks!! Very thankful for that. Though my love of food has not turned into a love of cooking... I'd rather just eat, although I CAN cook, if I have to.

And though I have seen people who LOVE sushi... I haven't learned to love it... yet. :)

There are so many other things that I have learned to love, but mostly, I have learned to love my life, the blessings I have been granted, the dreams that have come true, the friends that I have, the family that I was given, the people who I have met along the way that have made an impact somehow, on my life.

My prayer is that more people would open their eyes to the differences of others, try to grasp what they truly love, love as Christ loved, approach every single thing and every single person with a servants heart, and the best of intentions, and good things will happen. Joy will happen.

Clouds

I was archiving some old photos on my computer today, in my down time... ha ha... and came across some great photos of me and my friends... from about 3-4 years ago, and also some of my dad from around 2000... but then I came across this one of some clouds. Appearing what seemed to be a storm moving in, I thought it was kind of cool how it doesn't really look real. It is a bit abstract... free flowing... crazy, yet cool.

What do you see in it?

Some see nothing but clouds.
I see 3 faces, gathered around, closely, looking down through the clouds...

I wish now I would have taken a raw image of it, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

I used to love sitting and staring at the clouds... and determining what God was trying to tell me with His pictures... along with my imagination. Shortly after my father died, I would see him, not his face... but like his hands reaching, or what I thought to be a silhouette similar to his... As you can imagine, many photos went through my head, in a way comforting me... I was thinking that my dad was still surrounding me, somehow... and he is... in my heart.

before my eyes

Just amazing. The sky is tinted, sun is setting behind the mountains, and God has given me this beautiful, yet serene, glimpse of awe-inspired beauty that only He could provide. (It kind of makes me want to go climb a mountain... but then I think twice and realize how out of breath I would be... and change my mind... for now anyway.)

Seeing children play on the playground at the school within my view makes me hope that, even though it's highly possible that they do, that they never take this environment, beautiful display of America, of God's creative side if you would... for granted. It's a bit calming... not that I am overly wired. Being in this town doesn't really allow for "wired" attitudes, so I am constantly tested. :)

Just wanted to share what was before my eyes tonight before the darkness overcame the little city of Longmont.

God is good.

Gym Noise

So... I went to the gym this afternoon (can't go at night b/c they close early here... everything closes earlry here, especially on Sunday)... I did my normal elliptical routine, then crunch machine, then calf raises, then leg press... (oh, and I laughed at a podcast from comedy central... so hard, that I jerked my hand back, caught my headphone cord, jerked my iPhone out of the cup it was resting in and it flew across about 3 other ellipticals, not to mention jerking the earbud from my ear...this was the precedent of my workout today.) [and yes, my phone still works fine... glad I bought applecare]

I decided to bump up the weight on the leg press... and then it happened...

I listened real close, and heard this creaking sound. Seriously? Oh my goodness... All I could think of is the tendon in my left knee snapping in half.... breaking away from my kneecap, like my right one did playing volleyball in '01... I slowed down, thinking it wouldn't make that sound if I slowed it down... not that I was going that fast to begin with... but it was just a thought... ha ha... nope. I finished my set, of course, because I didn't want to just stop... I probably should have just stopped... but I didn't. Max weight was only 210... my knees shouldn't be crackling like they were. It reminded me of an old door on a scary house in a horror movie... that needed a good oiling. Scary. Yes.

Conclusion: Start young to take care of your body. It's the only one you have. Only you can mold it, shape it, restrict it, indulge it...  But the older you get, the harder it is to tell it what to do. Takes a little more perserverance, not to mention perspiration...