Feeling Faith

My Thursday (10/23/2014) started out the same this week... Got up early, sat in traffic, worked STI like I do each Thursday. On the way to work, I decided to call my aunt, Bonnie, as I sometimes do when I'm driving to and from work, but usually later at night as opposed to early in the morning... It was around 9:45-10a.

She answered on the third or fourth ring. She sounded horrible. After asking if she was okay, she told me, "no" and that she couldn't keep anything down. I told her to be sure and stay hydrated, or she would be even more weak. She said she was trying to, but even when she drank water, it would come back up. I told her she needed to go to the doctor, and she replied with, "Gayle can take me if I need to go." I then finished the short conversation, said "I love you" and then hung up.

I tried calling Kim (her daughter), but coudn't get in touch with her until a little later. I let her know that I spoke with Aunt Bonnie and she sounded terrible, to call and check on her.

I then went about the rest of my day, trying to get things done, as usual.

After lunch when I was driving home, I received a phone call from Lori (cousin) and she told me that Aunt Bonnie was being life flighted to Bryan and was in a diabetic coma. Grant it, this was less than five hours from when I spoke with my aunt. [For those of you who don't know, my aunt Bonnie is one of my dad's little sisters. She adored Daddy, her Bubba, and I have always been close to her.... After all, she did introduce my mom and dad to each other! :) I love her!]

After the initial gut punch of what she told me, I wasn't happy to hear that by any means, but I wasn't anxious. I wasn't scared. I wasn't crazy upset where I thought I would be. I did, however, go a little fast to get to the hospital. All I could do is pray. Full of faith, not tears.

About 7:35, they took her back for a CT scan. At 7:55p, her bp was 126/54 and her heart rate was 99.

...

When I find myself in these positions, where I can feel my faith working in me, where I feel as though I have an open line of communication to God, and I can feel His presence... I love it. I am humbled by the power of prayer. I just smiled, and said to myself, she is going to be okay. Might be a winding road, with a few bumps, but she'll be okay.

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10/24/2014. Friday. After sleeping in the CCU waiting area, I went over to Justin's to freshen up.
Found out today that her blood sugar was over 1,000 and her blood pressure bottomed out at 60/0 when they brought her in. The doctor on call, Dr. James Bonds (yes, that's really his name), isn't too hopeful. He is concerned that there is other damage to different organs because of her heart not being able to pump the blood to them as well. He thinks she may have had a heart attack, but will know more if the enzymes elevate within the next 48 or so hours, maybe 72. He said that the enzymes were climbing which is the result of a major heart attack. He stated that could be the reason she was nauseated and not able to keep anything down. However, we won't know the extent of the damage for a while. An EKG will be done probably next week to determine damage to the heart. He said it was so much damage to the heart that it would not be able to pump blood through her body without medication. But he did say though, she is still not out of the woods, that she IS headed in the right direction. Compared to yesterday when he saw her... vast improvement. So that's good! Then Dr. Wigley (her cardiologist) came in and told Kim and Danny that there might be some damage to her heart but his message had a much more positive delivery. Much lighter than Dr. Bonds. The acidosis has cleared (blessing) and breating tube will be removed in 20 minutes... Still I have a feeling everything will work out, the way God wants it to, in His time. :) 10a. She is responding to questions, and the tube in her throat is more irritating as the more awake she becomes. The nurse Jacqueline came in and did an EKG as per Dr. Wigley's request. She opened her eyes for a bit, then rested. Dr. asked her yes/no questions and she nodded and shook her head, but needs to be more alert to remove breathing tube. He told her that he would have tube removed as soon as she was more awake. 2:24p. Vent was not able to be removed as planned due to increased heart rate. Heart rhythm was off and they had to get it back on track by shocking it back into rhythm. (been through that with Dad) They gave her meds to reduce her heart rate, the doctor considered ablation but says it's not needed as of now. I went to see her momentarily and she was a little responsive, but sleepy.

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10/25/2014. Saturday. Vitals looked good through the night. Going to try and extubate her today at 8:30a. May or may not depending on her heart rate level. She's tired of all the restraints and gets frustrated easily... so I'm hoping it works. Much more alert, eyes opening more, and more responsive. Still not out of the woods yet. More movement today, eyes open, then shut, still spacey. They finally removed the breathing tube. I had to go back to Houston to take photos today, so I didn't get to stay all day.

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10/26. Sunday. Drove back up this morning from Houston. When I went in to see her this morning, she was speaking more than yesterday but still extremely tired and groggy. Physical therapist came in today for an assessment. He sat her up on the side of the bed (briefly) and she could hold herself up for a good minute or so; also gave her a little bit of applesauce. She didn't have much of an appetite. PT said bed was to stay mostly upright today to promote "awakeness" so she can eventually become more alert and mobile.

In CCU for most of the day, however, she was moved out of CCU and into her own room, later in the evening. Things were progressing well, and I thanked God there were not any further complications. Still a bit groggy, but becoming more alert with each hour that passed. She is uncomfortable because of an abrasion on her back side. They transferred her from the "normal" bed to a constant air bed (warm air, I might add), so the 4th floor room is freezing, yet she's hot. Go figure. :) But she's getting better.

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 10/27. Monday. Dr. Wigley came in and said she did NOT have a heart attack. Seems to be that all of this was related to her sugar spike and affected other vital organs. He said her heart was fine. So that was some good news. She was up in bed, talking nonsense... kind of funny. I have a small video clip of her talking about George Strait. :) I then went to Houston to take photos.

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10/28. Tuesday. Ultrasound on stomach very early this morning. She actually sat up on the side of the bed to eat her breakfast. Baby steps! Progress though! I'll take it. Much more alert and getting tired of being in a bed... a hot bed at that. Wanting the port taken out of her neck. She keeps picking at the tape because it itches. Looks like Kim and I are bunking in the room tonight!

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10/29 Wednesday. Ultrasound was clear. When Dr. B came to visit her today, he said she might actually get to go home tomorrow! Yay! Praise God. How wonderful is that! When less than a week ago it was much more critical! Went home to Houston tonight.

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10/30 Thursday. 10:35a I had to work in Houston that day, so I didn't get to "be there" but Kim said that Tara (nurse) said she did receive word that she was being released today, just not sure when. 1:31p She finished lunch in the hospital and finally had the catheter removed. 9p Finally got home. :)

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Something to say of this life event. Never let a day go by without telling those you love that you love them. Whether you like them or not, or agree with what they are doing in their life... if you love them, you love them. And whether or not they think they don't need to hear that or feel that, they are only kidding themselves. I love my aunt dearly, and always have. I talk to her and tell her. However with this, not only has my faith in God helped me get through what would ordinarily be a stressful, anxious time, it has allowed me to get closer with my dad's side of the family. And for that I am thankful. So happy she is back at her home. Thank you, God!

Beneath My Wings

I found a dvd of some home movies that my dad took when I was around 6 or so... The audio file was not included, therefore I put a song on here, that my Aunt prefers... This is of both of my aunts, Kay and Bonnie, with their mother, my grandmother, Cival Speer Evans.

My friend, Bethany Robert, does a wonderful rendition of Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings, and thought it would make a sweet soundtrack.

I love the simplicity of the era. Kind of wish it was that way again.

:)
linda

random thoughts from a different perspective.

These are just a few things going on in my head. It won't all flow together like some great editorial. :)

Enjoying a cooler state brings with it more time to think, to be, to look up and be thankful. Being at point in life where decisions are not made as hastily nor easily as they once were, provides a base of pros and cons, that I can base my future decisions.

When I take myself out of the environment that is chaotic, hurried, and outright stressful, clarity comes in the picture that I haven't fathomed.

Sometimes I feel as though I could have really lived two different lives. I LOVE the city, the "busy"ness, the non-stop presence of "things going on"... and on the other hand, if I was dealt the hand of having to live in the country (again), I would manage. There are pros and cons to each place I've been in my life, and I'm thankful for being able to just "be."

Could I visualize myself somewhere else? Of course. Will I follow through with it? Depends on the timing. ;) At this point I can pretty much choose what direction I want to go, provided I listen to God in making that decision. I can see how easily the world makes it to choose... rather than basing what I do, on what God's will is for me. I can see for someone with little faith, or no faith, how easy it would be to just live for self.

In my life, I've been accused of being selfish. And I have, at times, been guilty. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't... however, I am past the point in my life of really caring others opinions of me. I do, but I don't. I'm not going to stress out because this person or that person has an issue with me. If it's approached, it will be addressed, otherwise, I'm moving on. Might sound a little harsh, brazen...well, take it or leave it.

I have learned that most people who have told me that I am being selfish, or have acted selfish, in essence are the ones being selfish. Because I have not given into, nor taken their advice, nor reacted the way they wanted me to.

We all have choices. And free will. And when we make that choice (using that free will), we must be  face the consequence of that choice... and sometimes we are not prepared.

Disturbing view of a clip from Lakewood Church... And I am opposing Victoria Osteen's shout out that we should live for US, and God wants us to be happy... Um, no. We should live for God, and God wants us to be HOLY... Usually, our ultimate happiness is a byproduct of us being holy.

One Life

As I was going through a new album I purchased the other day, there is a song on there called "One Life"... though apparent that we have the one life, it also reminds us what to do with it. And with all the people I know who are suffering from disease, loss of loved ones, who complain about idiotic things just to complain... this song reminds us...

"Cause tomorrow isn't promised
All we have is one life, is one time
To live and love and make it right
Yesterday is written
All we have is right now, is right now
To celebrate this one and only life"

Grow Up.

Sometimes those are the two most difficult words to LIVE. Only in the most recent years have I come to realize that I'm not here to please every single person, say "yes" to every single thing, or agree with every thing I'm faced with. I do, however, must remain constant to the ONE that I am here to please, the ONE that I am to say yes to when He asks of me, and the ONE that I know will be with me during every single thing I am facing. I have grown up. Took me 40+ years, but I have come to realize that childish behavior is unnecessary in the pursuit of happiness with God. I do, understand at times, there will be some decisions that are made that aren't that appropriate, to some, but I have to remain focused on doing what God wants, what God directs and what God says.

Sometimes that means letting go of some of the anger, angst, irritation, and unnerving that has been dragging me down. I see things on a larger scale now. I'm not going to make a hasty decision without weighing the options first... Not going to hang onto something that hurt my feelings because in the grand scheme of things... it doesn't really matter. Everyone will have to answer to God for their actions. No reason for me to be mad at them. However, I can use precaution as to not set myself on that path again. Again, I understand that this is my decision. We all make mistakes.

But PLEASE, please, don't think I will adopt your thinking or reasoning when I am capable of coming up with conclusions on my own. The more that people try to "control" my way of thinking or say that I will "adapt" someone else's thought pattern, only lets me know that there is no trust there in my own solitary thinking. It's a bit demeaning.

Just remember, for all of you out there, that refuse to grow up, that participate in high school-like antics, what you put out there usually comes back to bite you hard. So be careful what you say, how you say it, and your response to other's words.

A bit of advice:

Live YOUR life,
do not worry about how others live theirs. 

PRAY often,
and thank God for all your blessings.

Complain LESS,
think before you speak.

Be a FRIEND,
not a judge.

Makes someone genuinely SMILE,
but not question your motive.

Be SELFLESS,
but don't be a doormat.

Be CONFIDENT in who you are
and in what you do.

RESPECT other's boundaries,
and set some for yourself.

If you have a free spirit, then FLY,
and realize that no one can hold you down if you don't let them.

LOVE without limits,
yet have control over your emotions.

Let the WORD of God speak to you, not overtalk Him.
Just LISTEN.

Once is Plenty

Just figured out that I'm ready to not depend on ANYONE but God and myself. Sorry if that hurts feelings, or irritates some. I'm tired of people voicing their opinions over and over again. Once is plenty. Any of you who know me know that repetitiveness is one of my pet peeves. Not sure what's in the horizon, but I can guarantee it will not be my current situation that I PUT MYSELF IN. No ones fault but my own. I realize this. I hate double standards and I feel that I've been thrown my share as of late. Please don't think that if you say one thing, but do another that it goes unnoticed. So, time to move on. I want God to speak to me. Not through anyone else, but me. And when He does, whether loud and clear or silently, I will be so thankful. 

Random Acts of Selfishness

The older I get the more I realize how some people are completely self-centered. And they usually don't even notice it. What causes people to be this way? Is it a lack of attention in their formative years? Or is it just society teaching us that we should be entitled to everything? I personally think it's a lack of Jesus Christ. But then again that's just my selfish opinion. Some of the ones that attend church every time the doors are open, are the ones who need Him the most. Just saying....

When a conversation is started, it shouldn't automatically turn around to be about you, should it? Should we always focus on self? No. 

I learned that when this does happen, it's usually in the best interest to stop the immediate conversation, and draw their attention elsewhere.

I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a psychiatrist, and I'm sure as heck not a therapist, but from going to some counselors during the past 20 years, I have learned a little bit. Some learned, some self-taught, some brought on from experiences I've seen with my eyes.

One of the best pieces of advice that I've ever received was: don't react. It tends to fuel the fire and continue a cycle that doesn't need to be. As mom always said two wrongs don't make a right. So happy that I can control my reaction, or lack there of.

So as I get ready to head to sleep I'm going to let this go. I just wanted to write a little bit about it first and get it off my chest.

Done.

And a bit of wisdom to share:

(Simple, really...)