In My Soul Today

You know... sometimes you just have this moment... when these words come over you. Well, that's what happened to me. This didn't happen to me, but in the perspective of my aunt, through my eyes, these words just came to me. Sorry, there is no punctuation, and parts may not even make that much sense, but I wanted to share. I pray for her and what she's going through... each day, and I know that God is right there... each day, protecting her, holding her, reassuring her He is not leaving.

It ends in a prayer that I not only applied here, but to my life as well.

In My Soul Today 

Waking up at dawn

To face another day

With the haunting reality

That things are not the same

Going through routines

Saying heartfelt prayers

Deep in my heart

Missing his care

One moment it's surreal

He can't be really gone

Too many dreams to live

Like a song left unsung

When my heart beats

It aches to fill the space

For the youngest of mine

That can never be replaced

No words can comfort

No tears can drown the pain

No hugs can melt away

What's in my soul today

And then this smile walks in

And takes me back in time

Of innocence and hope

My memories rewind

From sleepy eyes just out of bed

A look of love so pure

Let's me know that

I will through this endure

I relish in his little face

The carefree, loving soul

He's passed these traits down to him

And in turn, he'll never be old

Bless this child that's left behind

Who doesn't understand why

In a split second his life forever changed

And his daddy had to die

A eternal stamp in time

A meaningful life he lead

A cherished life remembered

With no words left unsaid

So my prayer to You, God

Is to please gently take my hand

Calm me when my soul shudders

When the pain I can't stand

Shed Your grace upon me

Let me feel Your breath

Help me give You everything

Everything I have left

Turn my life over to You

Not worry what may come

You are in control

Let Your will be done

12.22.2010

for Aunt Bonnie, with love.

nothing like the present

to let you know what's on my mind... actually, many things are running around in there, mostly thinking about what the future holds... and really there is no use in contemplating that, it's simply a waste of time. But I think I am genetically wired to worry. :)

Sometimes things happen that seem to be a test of faith and patience, and honestly, just plain mean. Never for the life of me, will I ever understand how someone who claims to be this great Christian, has no trace of integrity or tact.

friends close to the heart

I've been blessed enough lately to be surrounded by invaluable friends that span my entire life. From childhood neighbors, high school teachers, and classmates in college to philanthropic colleagues, media personnel, and "by chance" meetings in Florida... I have been very blessed.

I have had many types of friends, I don't discriminate. :) From one extreme to the other, and I love them all.

Open minds and Selfless Random Acts of Kindness...

These are not so common, but so appreciated.

I'm not sure why I give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time... I try not to predetermine someone's view or feelings without getting to know them. I feel as though I am a pretty good judge of character... however, I have been reminded how closed minds can wipe out any source of normalcy in a life.

I grew up with my parents just about doing anything for anybody. Sometimes this was a good, appreciated thing, and others, it was a lesson in being taken advantage of. All in all though, I believe as long as your heart is in the right place, everything will work out the way it is intended to in God's eyes.... not necessarily yours.

I pray for peace that surpasses understanding, a  healing that falls like rain, and a genuine comfort that only God can give.

phone lines to Heaven, and the little light...

Most people can't tell me that they have never wished for a phone line to Heaven. I was driving home, saw this beautiful sunset with the phone lines silhouetted in them and made me think of that statement... How wonderfully thought-provoking.  With the recent mortality checks lately, I can't help but think about how fun it would be to be able to have my dad on speed dial... or my grandmother, or anyone, for that matter, that I no longer can speak to. With saying that... it's not as if I haven't heard their voices. I love dreams... though I can't remember everything that happened in them, they seem to comfort me, when I see people who I love so much, right there, beside me, hugging me, or right in front of me, appearing to be alive and well... in my dream. Makes me not want to wake up sometimes... But it feels so RIGHT.

Looking at the photo above... makes me think that Heaven will be that bright... unrecognizable until we are there... It also, to me, signifies the greatness of God. One tiny ray of light... can illuminate millions. Why can't we do that? If we have the "light" in us... why not make it apparent to those around us... and let them see our soul? Let our souls shine....So simple as to go back to the Sunday school song... "this little light of mine... I'm gonna let it shine" Remember that?

My Thoughts on Dr. John

With the West Texas wind blowing, scattered clouds in the sky, just East of Abilene, on a beautiful God-given day, I witnessed the final goodbye to a father, grandfather, great-grandfather, husband, brother, uncle, mentor and dear friend. Not only that, but an ambassador of God in the most respectful way.

Still on my mind, not only the amazing man, but the amazing love of this man.

When I received news last week that Dr. John had passed, honestly I was in shock. I just spoke with him and his wife, June, at homecoming just a few weeks ago, and had a very pleasant visit, full of smiles, memories, and grace as always. I even left there with some of Nunnie's red plum jelly... depicting them to a tee... so sweet. :)

This also brought about memories of the death of my father 7 years ago, the daunting feeling of loss and the absence of being able to hear the sound of his voice, to be embraced by that hug, or to look in those eyes again... it will forever remain in me... not to haunt me ever, but to calm me in times of stress, soothe me in times of desparation, and give me hope that there are men of honor and integrity. Dr. John Estes was a man of integrity, as I knew him, and always made sure that those around him knew how he felt, especially if he loved them. Going back to the day I met Dr. John, (Daddy Doctor or DaDo as sometimes lovingly called by his family), I was invited to lunch after church on Sunday, with Jill and David. Circa 1992, and yes, I know I'm dating myself... but the first time I met him, he treated me as though I had known him forever, welcoming me into his life, his family, his home.

I was blessed enough to stay there a while while Dr. John and June worked with the Haitian Christian Foundation the summer I was taking extra classes. Opening up their home to me was sweet, but what it allowed me see was undeniable. Never had I seen a man that loved not everyone, but oh so loved his wife. He would do the dishes on Sunday's after lunch, but he would also make her fresh-squeezed orange juice, said that she deserved nothing less. He also made a great ham. He was very kind to everyone that crossed his path, and I was so happy that I was one of those people. He talked to me of hope and faith and love, that kindness should prevail in every situation, and that reading the paper was always a good way to see the world. I put him in a role as a pseudo-grandfather, since I grew up without any, and it was always fun to sit and listen to his stories... from some of his brother's doings, to most recently the boots Rick Perry was wearing with the "Come and Take It" showing on the cover of Newsweek in the Spring this year. Dr. John had many hats, but the one I grew to admire the most was that of "family man." What a great legacy he has left behind.

With some photos from the graveside service, and the perfect song that best reminds me of him and the amazing soul I was able to love, even only briefly, I have included the video... Please click on the play (triangle) button below to start video, since the song has probably already played... and if you didn't, please listen to the words of the song and take to heart, that this man that has touched the lives of so many... (song has been removed... "Nothing to Prove" by Phillips, Craig & Dean is the name of the song)

a man who lived with no excuses, loved with no regrets..."
I learned more by how you lived than what I heard you say..."

Dance with the Angels, Daddy Doctor...

Our God is in control...

What a powerful message Sunday. Our God is in control. Amidst the pain and suffering by many of us, through all the trials and tribulations, laughter and tears... God is still in control... whether we choose to believe that or not.

Loved.

Today, well, actually yesterday, Sunday, the 17th of October, my Aunt Elsie died. She wasn't exactly my aunt, more like my great Aunt, or cousin, I can't be for sure, but I always called her Aunt Elsie. She lived in Mansfield most of her life that I knew her. For the past year and a half, she has suffered from different complications more than likely due to the doctor's negligence, including being blind due to an infection that could have been prevented, muscles atrophied, and finally deduced to being medically (morphine) induced sleep to ease the aches and pains of just laying there, without eating or drinking for close to 8 days. Doug, her son, Mom and Josey (a great friend) were all there when she passed.

This woman, who I so candidly remember staying with when I was little, was definitely a bright light in my life. She hardly ever failed to call me "doll girl" (or any of us girls that were special to her), told me how proud she was when I would come to see her, or stop by when I was working in the Dallas area. She had a contagious smile and laugh, and was rarely upset or irritated. The only times she was irritated, she turned it into a smile. Said time wasn't to be wasted on things you can't change. From watching Kerry von Erich wrestle, laying on a pallet on the living room floor to eating her infamous frito salad with catalina dressing, never quite understanding how one person could consume so much Pepsi without getting sick to sitting and talking about Mammaw Dot and growing up. Misty, her cat and Red, the horse are the animals I remember the most. Although, the birds later in the other house, I remember scaring me. ;) I remember all the things she crocheted for me, especially the booties for winter. And, Taco Bueno runs, as well as Whataburger taquitos for breakfast. All good times.

In the late 90's, her husband, Bud, and her son, Lee, were both taken tragically, leaving only her son, Doug. To go through those tragedies, yet able to still smile and see the good in people, amazed me. She started going to church, realized how much God did in her life, and contributed to her happiness. Memories of her always bring a smile to my face. And most of all, I know she loved me. Loved my mom. Loved my family. Always looked out for us in way that no one else could. I will miss that.

I don't have regrets... but I do wish I would have spent more time with her. I was blessed enough to go visit her on my way back from Colorado with Mom this summer. Though she was in and out of lucidity, I could communicate with her, and even though she couldn't see me, I know she knew who I was. And she laughed a lot. I left there feeling good that I at least was able to sit and visit and talk with her, in conversation, even though she was in her bed. Stories told. Lives lived. She was definitely loved.

We are having the funeral for her on Wednesday up there, and I plan on heading up there Tuesday night, but for all of you who read this, please keep her family in your prayers, as this will be a difficult transitional time for all of us. Someone as special as she was isn't here anymore, yet brings to mind all the souls she is celebrating with in Heaven. ;)

Rest In Peace, Aunt Elsie

We love you!

Elsie Warr

2.23.1933 ~ 10.17.2010

(taken 2008)

What makes it right...

... for someone visibly from another country, speaking another language, disrespect the courtesies of the US? I don't get it. Not focusing on the actual instance that happened, but rather make note that if an American was to do that in another country, we wouldn't be allowed to be part of it. To communicate with others in THEIR country, we would have limited interaction with them in their language, or we would learn what we needed to say to be prepared.  Just like certain gestures you wouldn't give to someone in Japan, as here, for it would be an insult. There is just no common courtesy anymore... and if I was quick enough with my camera, I would have documented it... I can just see myself going to Paris, and ACTING like a spoiled, entitled American... yeah, it wouldn't fly. I'd probably end up in prison.

If society doesn't step up and set expectations and/or limitations, it will only get worse. There needs to be some sort of system... but, I know... good luck on that. Seems like we are spiraling downhill...

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. - Thomas Jefferson

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, It empties today of its strength."  

What makes me weak? My fears..... 

What makes me whole? My God. 

What keeps me standing? My faith. 

What makes me compassionate? My selflessness. 

What makes me honest? My integrity. 

What sustains my mind? My quest for knowledge. 

What teaches me all lessons? My mistakes. 

What lift's my head high? My pride, not arrogance. 

What if I can't go on? Not an option. 

What makes me victorious? My courage to climb. 

What makes me competent? My confidence . 

What makes me sensual? My insatiable essence. 

What makes me beautiful? My everything. 

What makes me a woman? My heart . 

Who says I need love? I do. 

What empowers me? My God & Me. 

Who am I? I AM A PROUD, STRONG WOMAN! 

This was sent to me by a very dear friend of mine, who I haven't seen in over 6 years. But I love it and wanted to write a little of my thoughts after receiving this.

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, It empties today of its strength."

Powerful statement. Basically I agree that we must live each day for the day and not put all of efforts in the future. Not saying I can't plan for a fabulous trip... but worry about how I'll make it through that interview, cope with the loss of my father, pass that test, etc.

What makes me weak? My fears..... 

I have never really considered myself a weak person, never viewed myself as being inferior or scared of things, but I do have fears. I fear that I am not doing exactly what God has me here on Earth to do, that I'm a bit too selfish at times, that I am going to be stuck in this house for a while, that debt seems to stand beside me no matter what... 

What makes me whole? My God. 

You know I was thinking of this the other day... and how I love Him. 

What keeps me standing? My faith.

I have counted on my faith for as long as I can remember, and I remember great things happening when I leaned on God. I know that God doesn't promise everything happy and gleeful, but He does promise to be there when we have low times... just knowing He is there, still, no matter what... is comforting.

What makes me compassionate? My selflessness. 

My parents always taught me compassion, to give of self. As hard as this is to do at times, especially when you are taken for granted or used, it is still better knowing that I am doing what I believe is the right thing... If the person on the receiving end has a different view, then that is their problem.

What makes me honest? My integrity.  

Maybe this is me... but even in "jokes" when an "untruth" is told... it's still a lie. I am not going to say that I never have lied, because that in itself would be a lie... but I do pride myself on my integrity, and anyone choosing to challenge that or attack that is merely a demonstration of their lack of knowledge about me as a person, and more importantly, a statement as to who they really are.

What sustains my mind? My quest for knowledge.  

I could so be a full time, career student. I love learning. (not the testing part...but the learning is fun). I get bored too easily if the subject matter becomes routine or monotonous. One of my favorite quotes, from a while back, is "if you think education is expensive, try ignorance"... Look at society and the state of our country. If there were more educated individuals, we might not be in the pickle we are in at the moment.

What teaches me all lessons? My mistakes.  

This one deserves it's own blog. :) Everyone has made mistakes, but some haven't learned from them. I have learned that I shouldn't take things so personally, but I still do at times. I trust too easily. Forgive too slowly. Love too hard, and hate with passion... Wow. See, it deserves it's own blog... moving on...

What lift's my head high? My pride, not arrogance.  

I am proud of my accomplishments, but more of the person I have become. I pride myself on my achievements in athletics, but more so making my parents proud. I pride myself on my work ethic and unfortunately criticize those who don't share the same passion. I take it all with humility, and am very thankful for my talents.

What if I can't go on? Not an option.  

Oh, I've thought about it, for maybe 10 minutes.... had my own little pity party, poor me, what am I going to do, and then I usually snap out of it. For the life of me, I can't feel sorry, destitute, or hopeless without feeling God move through me and in turn make me realize that I am very blessed. The good always outweighs the bad, giving me focus and determination, not only to go on, but to get through whatever obstacle arises.

What makes me victorious? My courage to climb.  

Ambition. And not climbing in the physical sense. I went hiking with my uncle a few years back, and he schooled me... but mentally, psychologically, yes, I am ambitious. Especially when you tell me it can't be done. Though I procrastinate a bit, I always find new ways to be successful.

What makes me competent? My confidence.  

Ha ha... I don't think I've ever been called incompetent... unless it's in accounting class. But if I believe in something, what I do, what I believe, with all my heart, I am 100% confident in selling it, promoting it, making it useful to everyone, even if they don't think so. And no, I'm not a salesperson, but I very well could be, depending on the field. :)

What makes me sensual? My insatiable essence.  

This one makes me laugh... of course, my insatiable essence... :)

What makes me beautiful? My everything.  

I am a child of God. As I'm sure you have heard many times, it's not the outward appearance, but rather the inner beauty that counts. Well, the world we live in, full of shallow people with Hollywood mentalities, it's sometimes hard to believe that... But there is so much more than that... My eyes make me beautiful... but if they are not kind and compassionate, where is the beauty?

What makes me a woman? My heart .  

plus my soul, my faith, my love, me.. and genetics of course.

Actually, God made me who I am...

Who says I need love? I do.  

Who doesn't? So next time you are thinking your day couldn't be any better, make it a point to pay it forward, and smile, pay for someone's cup of coffee in line, hug your kid a little longer... Love isn't love until you give it away. ;)

What empowers me? My God & Me.  

My God first and foremost, but I am the one to set it in motion.

Who am I? I AM A PROUD, STRONG WOMAN! 

:) that I am.

searching

Wow. Went to see Eat, Pray, Love tonight. What an amazing journey. Makes me want to take one. Not for a year, but for a few weeks.

Bucket list.

stopping to appreciate

In the craziness and stressful times we live in, moments seem to pass, memories are made, but not cherished as much, and time gets the best of us... instead of those we love. It's profound for me to think about how things happen, try to understand how God thinks, or humor myself trying... remembering to count my blessings even in the midst of feeling sorry for myself. I am so blessed. Nothing will deter me from that fact. Many of you wonder or worry about me because I am now divorced. Well, wondering and worrying won't do you any good. I ask you to just pray for me... That should dissolve the worry and wondering... and leave YOU more time for YOU... :)

I was working out tonight, and I haven't in a while, but it was sure good to get back to the gym... and I was thinking... ok... I'm by myself, I'm almost 40 years old, I don't have any kids, except my cat if you count him, I have a roof over my head (at the moment), food to eat, and a job that I love. Some of the songs I have on my iPhone to listen to while working out challenge me to think outside the box. I've been under the impression that I need to make someone feel special, that I am to be needed, wanted, loved... when in actuality, I am all of that... God loves me, hurts for me, lifts me up, needs me to spread His word, wants me to yearn for Him more... I need to concentrate on that instead of worrying how or why something will happen or happened to me.

When the song, "Arise" comes on... I love it. Chris Sligh does a great job with that song... and it's upbeat enough to workout to... So I am going to concentrate on that...

Stars go down in the western sky 
The light fades in as the darkness dies 
Sunlight, sweet sunlight 
Brings the day that You’ve created

Perfect remedy 
For all that tears at me

Arise, arise with the morning 
Arise, your mercies are new 
Arise, arise with the morning 
That finds me running back to you

Darkness comes and covers all my faults 
Tears fall down, sting my wounds like salt 
Hopes fade, till I’m caught 
In the day that you’ve created

I’m anxiously waiting 
Redemption is brimming 
With stories created 
Each new day 
I know you are coming

Very impressive from the American Idol finalist... :) Anyway... those are my thoughts for the night...

I'm Home

Sometimes... once in a great while, a song comes along that personifies what you feel or what you want to feel... and I just found this song that does it for me. I know many people who have found the love of their life... and are still happy... and this can describe that feeling. Completion. Safety. The day I can say this to someone, which may be never, would be beautiful. It is a beautiful song, performed by Jo Dee Messina off of her new album. If you haven't heard it, visit iTunes and listen... Absolutely beautiful.


Some of the lyrics are as follows:


I'm Home


Every night that I have cried myself to sleep, every time when I have given up on dreams
And every hope and prayer had fallen through I was only on my way to you


The first stanza pretty much sets the tone for the whole song. Check it out if you want to... it's a great song.

choices

Interesting word. Choices.
Our lives are based on them.
People laugh or cry as a reaction to them.
It's all about choices...

When we wake up... we choose to either be happy about the day ahead, or choose to think of the crap you went through yesterday and let it worry you. Try this one day... wake up. Thank God for the beautiful day (even if it's raining, it's making the grass grow), put all worries aside, and choose to be happy for that day.

You know the saying don't go to bed angry (usually applies to married couples), but it can apply to anyone. If you go to bed with negative thoughts on your mind, you won't rest easy.

It's not that I have been going to bed angry, but I have let different conflicting thoughts overcome my mind and I am not getting the rest I need in order to be my best... (and thank you, I have not had any tea in 4 days! So I am not having the caffeine high that usually keeps me up at night.)

I choose to be happy... today, anyway. :)

Rocky Mountains...

I try to live in the moment. Take it for what it's worth. We aren't promised our next breath, so I tend to think of things that affect me now, rather than look down the road and see how the outcome could affect me... This could be a good thing, or a bad thing.

The little moments... like when I can look up in the dark night sky... where no city lights are, and see the stars... marvel at the wonder of God, and try to wrap my brain around the fact that each star was placed there specifically by God, just for me to see at that moment.... or when a star "falls"... it was all meant to be.... or sharing a laugh with my mother... over the silliest of things, but it was still a good laugh!

Recently, I went to Colorado and was able to visit my friend, Stephanie, and bring (drive) my mom back home from staying with my uncle for two months. She found a condo up there that she loves, so is in the process of possibly purchasing it...

But while I was up there, I stayed with Stephanie and Tom in their home in Morrison, in the mountains, out of the city atmosphere, yet close enough to go into Denver if we wanted... It was like a retreat... (with dogs ;) and everything)... but to stand out on the balcony and hear the crickets and the wind blowing the aspen leaves was very calming to me, and I loved being able to do nothing. Shocking, right? But it was a welcomed state that I was in, though I don't know if I could actually live like that. I would have to wind down a bit... and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. But it was a nice visit....  the best thing about it...besides getting to see a great friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while... was the weather. I could go on and on about the weather... it was a little warm during the day... but at night... Heaven... especially when we sat in the hot tub up a few stairs from the house, surrounded by tall trees, Denver lights in the distance, and stars when I looked up... Thanks Stephanie for a much needed relaxing few days!

Mom and I drove up Trail Ridge Drive to the Visitor Center and back down... and at the top it was 46 degrees... a little rainy, so we didn't really stay, just drove up there and back. We were going to eat at Smokin' Daves BBQ in Estes Park, but it was packed, so we ended up driving back to Longmont and heading over to Chili's (Mom's choice)... But it was a good drive/visit with my mom. She is super-excited about getting back up there...loves it there, so I am happy for her.

And of course, Stephanie and I went shopping... just a little... and I went to CostCo... LOVED IT!! (so any of you that have costco cards here in Houston, need to hook me up... or at least invite me to go with you! ha ha)...

Here are some pix from that trip:

it was rainy... and overcast, but still cool looking... :) (from the Trail Ridge Drive)


The buck elk was chillin' watching the rest of the herd...(from the Trail Ridge Drive)


this little one was trying to get away from me... but I caught him when he paused.... they are SO FAST!!(from the Trail Ridge Drive)


Nothing like driving through a cloud... (from the Trail Ridge Drive)


View from breakfast with Stephanie and Tom...(and LC and KC - in the jeep)

Seriously?

I know life isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. But, c'mon... please... give me a break. It's interesting how things happen to make you look at your life from a totally different perspective. I'm tired of the stress, the irritation, the unbelievable amount of immaturity and irresponsibility in this world. Seriously... when is enough, enough?

I guess I will have to quit being nice all the time, and finally act on what I feel (or have felt for quite some time now) but if you are grown, then take the initiative, the responsibility, and suck it up and take care of your business... otherwise, throw in the towel, concede, and leave my life. period. end of story.

Oh, how I wish it were that easy. It seems that no matter how good I can feel, there is always something there waiting to bust through and screw my world up... it's just plain irritating.

Today's Entertainment

Picture it... July 26th, balmy weather in Houston...


My cousin and I just sat in rush hour traffic, making our way to the Toyota center... To see none other than Lady Gaga...

Surprisingly entertaining. (Besides all those fans dressed in latex costumes)

That's about it. 

Tasty, Tempting, Undeniably Tea...

It's not the subject of this blog... however, it's on my mind... Why does iced tea have this effect on me?? I can drink two venti's with a double shot, an it does nothing in comparison to two glasses of iced tea. Yes, that's my downfall... and I'm just a night owl. Some more random thoughts from my ever-working mind...

Well... interesting how people come into your life that you never EVER would have even imagined.

It's been raining here in South Texas for a while now, at least 4 days straight... kind of feel as if I am back on the Northwest coast... but what can turn a dreary, mundane day, into an extraordinary day that you will remember for a while?

Think about it.

• It's the friendly voice on the phone when you've lost your sanity trying to understand the tech world...
• It's getting your car back after not having it because some non-insured motorist, better yet, some bulls, decided to wreck your morning...
• It's a note in the mailbox from a long, lost friend, recounting memories that just make you laugh out loud...
• It's knowing that there are kindred spirits in this world, put here, just for you. It's up to you to figure out their purpose...
• It's receiving a compliment from a stranger, finding out that you are needed, or seeing the smile on a little girl's face just because she's happy.
• It's receiving your grades in the mail confirming you passed that class...
• It's giving hope to a marriage falling apart...
• It's learning a prayer has been answered...
• It's being able to lift your hands, close your eyes, and feel closer to God...
• It's knowing you are doing the right thing...
• It's taking a chance... and knowing in your heart, it's right for you.

It's living the little moments, loving the lasting moments, and lingering on it all.

I give thanks today for giving me kind spirits around me, people I can rely on, family and friends who I love dearly, and those unexpected miracles as a result of the handiwork of God.

Smile... I've missed you... I'm very happy you are back in my life!
Laughter... I've put you aside for a while, but enjoy you so!
Faith... I've leaned on you through the fire, the rain, the joy and the pain.
Love... I'm learning you again...
Patience... I'll never have enough of you...
Thoughts... Run away more often these days...

chapters in my life...

Have you ever just sat down and tried to determine the titles for the chapters in your life thus far? Interesting concept, but revealing as well. I started to, just in case I wanted to create a book depicting my life, and all that it contains... Here is my rough outline:

title page: Me

chapter 1: How I was prayed for
(7 years in the making, being born, becoming the second only child)
chapter 2: Random acts of a child of the 70s
(toddler years thru pre-school)
chapter 3: If I were a time capsule, what would I save?
(kindergarten thru 3rd grade)
chapter 4: The year I was an armadillo
(4th grade)
chapter 5: The big move
(summer before 5th grade, new house, new land, new life)
chapter 6: Drinking at church
(introduction to Catholicism by my friends, bazaars and keeping my faith)
chapter 7: The love of sports in a small town
(jr/sr high sports in Anderson, what there wasn't do to, girls playing baseball)
chapter 8: Making my parents proud
(getting a scholarship, preparing for college)
chapter 9: And then I was a Wildcat
(ACU, volleyball and basketball)
chapter 10: road to Oregon, then back
(leaving right after college and working at a juco)
chapter 11: eating alcohol in Europe
(studying abroad in graduate school)
chapter 12: the first of many
(things I wish I could change, but am happy for the experiences)
chapter 13: working with public schools
(ball high in galveston)
chapter 14: liberal media
(my experiences with the Daily News and the Houston Chronicle)
chapter 15: Winter Olympics 2002
(my road trip with my cousin, Lori, and the fun we had there)
chapter 16: bad diagnosis
(Dad learning of lung cancer and his journey)
chapter 17: Fall 2003
(Normal people would have given up and fell apart)
chapter 18: my own business
(starting new, branching out and doing what I love)
chapter 19: complacency
(realizing that my marriage was in trouble)
chapter 20: 24 hour
(working out, getting back into shape, feeling better about myself)
..............
that's all I have so far... but I'm sure I'll add to the index.

If you had to write a book... what would some of your chapters be titled? Just something else to think about. ;)

I am thinking that writing an entire book may take too long, since I love to write... it might just drag on and on... so I was thinking of doing a pictoral with few paragraphs here and there, kind of like a yearbook, but of my life.

who knows?!?

Band on the Sand

Sitting here enjoying live music by RadioLondon at Moody Gardens... Taking a moment to remind me that enjoying the simple pleasures makes life worthwhile!!!!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Offats Point Cir,Galveston,United States

Interesting People

Don't you just LOVE to people watch? I mean, there are so many different types of people, different personalities, different professions, different fashion sense (or lack thereof), different mannerisms... It's just amazing how different we all are, yet so much alike in many ways that count.

Independence Day

2 Corinthians 3:17
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

I am a difficult place right now. Not knowing exactly what to do, what I want to do, what I should do, or what the right thing to do is... Lovely place to be, let me tell you.

I am told often by my family and friends that I think about things too much, or read too much into things. Now... how would they know? I mean, does that mean I just think about things, or read into things more than them? What is the norm here? I am a thinker. And yes, I probably think a little longer about things than most people, but is that really a fault?

I still can't fathom just dropping someone. I guess people mean more to me than I usually mean to them. And that's okay. That's the difference between me and them. It's not a fault of theirs, it's an exceptional quality of mine. :) I had a conversation with a good friend of mine recently and words were exchanged. By witnessing defensive behavior for no apparent reason showed me that she wasn't exactly convinced that what she said was right. So, I'll just take it at that... face value.

Pray for me, my friends and family who are taking the time to read this... Pray that I feel more at peace, accept people as they truly are without overly loving them, forgive people who don't necessarily deserve my forgiveness, and that I feel better about myself and the predicament that I have gotten myself into. :)

My head hurts today from thinking about shallow thoughts and broken promises. Imagine that.

Happy Birthday America! Hopefully you'll get back to where you were, but first you must trust in God.

And thrown back into the real world...

There is nothing like an early call from a client, requesting immediate attention on a project that was in production without a deadline... to start my "after-my-vacation" mode. :) But at least I have work... and I love it. Not at all mattering if I was able to sleep the minimal hours I could to be fully functional. :)

Finished two projects... met a friend for lunch, went and had a pedicure (had to reward myself for getting up early and getting going), went to the store to buy dinner to cook (well, to throw together)... and am now back at the house with a million things to do, but the one I am most looking forward to is going to work out. My body so missed that...

It's a misty rain day... effects from "Alex" in the Gulf... Just enough to mist the grass, but not enough to really make it grow. Need to do that as well... does it ever end? I feel like I am on a continuous cycle of fixing, repairing, enhancing, beautifying, remodeling, revamping, etc... my life. :)

It's officially hump day. This would mean so much more to me if I actually had a 9-5 job and I looked forward to the weekends a little more. However... I'm working a promotion Friday with Kim, going to Galveston that night to see another friend, Lisa, play at B Jiggers, possibly stay with another friend in Galveston, then come back Saturday sometime... Might go to the shooting range... :) hmmm... we'll see.

Enjoy this blessing of a day, my friends... it'll never come around again... So whether you are in traffic, bogged down in paperwork at work, playing with your grandchildren outside, taking a break... enjoy it.

Love to all...

Concluding thoughts on vacation...

Well... if I could be doing what I'm doing at 3:39 on every Monday... this would definitely be the life. Sitting here on the plane, coming home from Ixtapa... no just people watching, but people wondering... how cool it would be to be fluent in another language (not that I have the money or the patience for that... but cool nonetheless)... When Sheilah and I left the Capella resort, the taxi driver, Albero, took us back to the airport. We drove by some less than fortunate parts of town, that left little to be imagined as to how they lived. I am so blessed to have been born in America, raised in a loving family, and given the talents that I have been given...

And kudos to Sheilah.... because without her, I wouldn't have seen many of the things that I have seen over the past year. A lifelong friend to say the least, but no matter where life may take us... know that mine's better... and it all started with us volunteering for HLSR and heading out in the Egypt known as Pod 5... :)

At Capella Ixtapa... well, first of all, it was beautiful... tucked back off the beaten path, on the rocky coast... in playa linda...something you would see in a movie... very dramatic, yet peaceful... there were multiple levels, and they had a little "elevator" similar to the tram/cable track such as the one at the Royal Gorge... so, it was steep... but fun.

We actually walked down to the water for photos, but I think it was too bright... and then... ugh.. my camera was splashed and that was the end of photos for that portion of the photo shoot. And then got a calf workout walking back up the steep steps to the elevator...

Amazing that one trip can helped put my life in perspective... well, both trips to Mexico this month... Just take a look at this...



Can you imagine waking up every day, stepping out onto a private balcony and catching a glimpse of the whitecaps slamming into these rocks? (Well, it was nice while it lasted)

More to come...
Good to be home... better to be on vacation. :)

Mexico again... but on the rocks.

Ixtapa is beautiful... or at least the Capella Ixtapa Resort is. Sheilah and I arrived around a little before eight o'clock.... God bless Sheilah for inviting me... it is an absolutely breathtaking view. If there was a way to record it in real time... so that your eyes could actually see what I was seeing, your nose could smell the ocean water, your eyes could soak up the wonder of God's handiwork here, and your soul could feel the freedom mine is feeling right now... I would so post it on here. But, they haven't made a gadget to record all of that... yet anyway. Where we are in on a cliff... there is huge waves crashing on the rocks constantly, providing a nice soundtrack to me typing this... as I sit out on the balcony near the plunge pool. The moon is full, yet hiding behind some clouds, but prominent focal point for nights by the coast. We are on the top floor, or close, so we have a beautiful view of the pool and restaurant below, next to the ocean.

It's definitely not as hot, well humid, here as it was in Puerto Vallarta last week. It's comfortable... like where you are dripping with sweat from just walking out the door.

Some of the clouds have burned off and the full moon is visible through them. The clouds, as scattered thoughts, tend to encompass the moon, but like a good friend, let it shine without getting in it's way.. allowing it to shows it's true potential. What a wonder. So, yes, I'm sitting here, with the only light being the moon and this computer, basking in God's creation that is still awesome.

Maybe I need a house by the ocean... I love the sound of the crashing waves... it's powerful, yet peaceful... commanding, yet calming. That'll be in my next life.. ha ha.

Have no idea what we are going to do, but I'm sure we will do it well... I might stay up a little longer and write a little more, just not on here... will post a link for pictures soon... Love to all...

thinking... little things...

so many things have gone through my head lately... from life lessons to morals and believability... I'm trying so hard to just let things happen... not expect too much from people, yet I still find myself expecting and honestly still disappointed in the lack of caring of people in general. I still get lost in my music. I have always loved music... all genres (well, all except much rap, or opera... I prefer to hear a voice, not just words, and be able to understand them...) There are SO many songs that just take me back to a certain moment in time and I can actually close my eyes and see myself in that memory. So... what is one of those songs... that takes you back in time, and makes you smile? I heard an old song by Winger... go figure... but it took me back to summer 1990, vacation to Indiana to see my friend from college, Michelle... and I went on their family vacation with them on a lake in Tennessee... rented houseboats, tied them together, and had a floating party for a week... then a song by Pink¡ and thought of Lori... ha ha... although the song was "sober"... Pink¡ really is a good artist.... then a song by Nickelback... and ha ha... the nights come into full view... both Toyota Center and Woodlands Pavillion... :)

One of my favorite song memories, though, is "PS I Love You"... after watching "For the Boys" with Dad, he sang his rendition of the song... wish I had recorded it... :) I miss him. He loved music, too... maybe that's why I love it... but Mom loves music (instruments) too... I remember listening to 102.9 back in the day when it was elevator type music (and I had NO choice, because growing up in my family we respected our parents... and didn't even attempt to argue or suggest a different radio station but once... and if the answer was no, it was no... and I endured listening to "her" music... and she would point on each instrument that was playing in that song... little did I know that she was speaking to my soul, and teaching me to appreciate what goes into making a song. thanks mom. :)

One of the not so good memories was in November 1982... when Mom and I were driving up to see my  great-grandfather in the hospital near Center, Texas... Mom had just got a new Lincoln Town Car, and was so excited to be able to take it on a trip... Back then, seatbelts weren't mandatory, so I didn't have mine on... but I had just gotten the cassette single of "Nobody" by Sylvia... remember that song? Well, I was so excited to listen to it... I was messing with the cassette player and in a blink of an eye... Mom veered to the right on the shoulder... she saw the wreck coming... an IDIOT passed us going uphill in a no passing zone at dusk with headlights coming over the hill... needless to say, they hit head on... all while I was listening to that tape. One of the cars was spinning and flipped and hit Mom's car, right behind the driver's door... I remember when it happened and seeing my mom hold the wheel (she's still strong) the driver's side window shattered on top of her and she had a grimace on her face... it threw me up and I hit my head on the top of the car... After the car was stopped, and we were noticeably okay, I got out and cringed... Dad was gonna be so upset... oh, the innocence of an 11-yr old... Dad was thankful we weren't hurt... and we were okay... :) But... I don't think I listened to that cassette single of "Nobody" until I found it cleaning my stuff from Anderson... when Daddy died.

ok... gotta get ready for Mexico... Ixtapa tomorrow with my best friend! Can't wait... I'm not sleepy, and no I didn't drink any tea... just happy to be where I'm at. Hopefully all those around me can sense that in me as well... will post pix as deemed necessary... :)

love to all.... L

Difficulty Speaking and Burning Feet

I know this is a stretch... but yes, even I had difficulty speaking in Mexico last week in Puerto Vallarta... but I managed. It's amazing how different life is down there. I am so spoiled to the conveniences, especially in Houston... but it cracked me up, when I walked into the Wal-mart down there, I just about ran into a HUGE display of Tequila... ok... is it just Texas that doesn't sell liquor in Wal-mart? It was very amusing... especially trying to use my limited conversational spanish to try and figure out where the tripods were, along with the spices... :) But it was cheaper down there... And of course, since the World Cup is going on, everything is about "futbol" down there...

On the other side... after we bought some food to take back to the condo... Donna (my friend who I went with to PV) and I decided it was good lighting for photos... although it was HOT... so stupid me... I walked down to the beach w/o any shoes on... OMG. the sand was scalding hot... and I was running. So note to self: Always... always wear shoes when taking pix on the beach... no matter if you need them or not... always better to be safe than sorry.

All in all, it was a fun trip. I ate way too much guacamole... like every day it seemed... and shrimp from across the street at Nopal Beach Eddie's... where they graciously let me use their wi-fi... and they learned how to make my 'masondixon' from Toby Keith's...yum.

Another note... their tostada chips down there are way too thick. I miss the tex-mex chips... like Chuy's chips... love them!! And... if any of you ever go to Puerto Vallarta... you MUST go to Ah! Caramba restaurant... it was a fabulous view of the city, overlooking the town, and the food was fabulous... the best shrimp stuffed avocado ever!!

:) more as time permits... peace out for now...

crazy isn't it...?

Okay, I have thought many things in the almost 39 years I have been here on Earth... and the one thing that gets me every time is the temptation to try something new... whether it be a new city, a new type of food, a new drink, a new outlook, a new perspective, a new truth... Usually when I do try one of these things, I either am happy with the choice, or I choose not to do it again.

Thoughts in my head right now are exploring my options. I really don't have anything holding me here in Houston. Well, let me take that back... my family is here. My mom and my sister... and my friends... most of them. But that doesn't mean that I won't make new friends. Haven't really had an issue with that before. But I really want to travel. See places I haven't seen.

And yes, I do want to do these things... :) call me crazy. but I do.

I guess it's time for me to write a list... of what I want to do... it may be too long for this blog... but it'll be fun.

1. skydive (tandem of course)
2. fly in a two seater plane with the wind hitting my face.
3. write a book (fiction) on my own time, preferably near an ocean.
4. go deep sea fishing (without touching the fish)
5. get in touch with 5 friends from the past (you know the ones that I swore would be friends forever)
6. tell at least 5 people a week what contribution they have made (or are making) in my life.
7. play in a volleyball tournament this summer.
8. go back to NYC to visit KT and possibly see the NYC Marathon in November.
9. record a song (for the pure fun of it)
10. take photos of old post offices in Texas. (quirky, I know)
11. compile a book with Jessica with photos and stories... (photojournalist style)
12. go to a game of each this year: astros, aeros, rockets and texans
13. dance in the rain again (it felt so good)
14. pray with someone close to me.
15. finish the flooring in my house, and decide what I'm going to do with it
16. go to North Carolina, at some point.
17. get an iPad for Mom.
18. simplify my life (get rid of junk and things that clutter my life)
19. invent something.
20. rebrand my image (photographic design)
21. go to a play on Broadway.
22. go snowboarding (in Colorado preferably)
23. drink more water
24. work out at least 5 days a week.
25. set weekly goals.
26. pay my student loans off before I die.
27. sleep under the stars (without the bugs)
28. get a massage at least once a month.
29. reveal a memory to a new friend that tells them something about me.
30. get over the texture (and cold, raw) thing, and try sashimi. -- I don't forsee this happening.

ok the list could go on, but I'll start with that... and I'll revisit that every now and then to see if I have done ANY of it... or more like see what I HAVE DONE.

:) To each of you who read this, God Bless You. You make my life better just by being in it. God has a plan. I can't wait to see what He has in store!!

love each of you!!

The Cusp of 39...

Sitting here in a hotel room in Austin... can't go to sleep because I drank too much iced tea today... nice. (but I did get to eat Chuy's) Working all day tomorrow... I'm sure the 5-hr energy drink will come in handy in the a.m.

The past two weeks have been crazy. My divorce was final on Monday. Flew to NYC on Friday to work in Philly Saturday and Sunday, then back to NYC to fly home Monday night. Tuesday I slept most of the day. Wednesday I had volleyball. Thursday I left for the ACMs in Vegas way too early... but it provided me time to lay out by the pool at the Golden Nugget, waiting on Michelle to get there...

Friday, Debbie and Cheryl joined us...


then Saturday, Cary and Beth flew in...



The show Sunday night was good,



did I mention how much I love my sister?!?!


the after-party was better...








but the Brooks & Dunn tribute show blew them all away on Monday night.
don't have files from that one yet, but will post soon... :)



What a way to celebrate my almost 39th birthday!! :)

Thoughts in Silence

It's kind of eerie how the silence seems so loud. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few days. More like I am realizing more about myself. And I'm not quite sure how to react to some of the things that I am feeling. Talked to my cousin tonight and we had a good conversation about feeling valued. And I know this blog goes out to more than a few friends, I'd be curious to have your feedback on this subject.

I was telling her, as well as a good friend of mine, and it's been this way my entire life I think, that if I am valued, I'm good, everyone's good, life is good... if I am not, then I'm done. I honestly don't want to put forth the effort. It's like my feelings are hurt, and in order for them not to be hurt anymore by whoever isn't valuing me, I'd rather sever the ties, and be done... as much as that would hurt all parties involved. Ok, seriously... that's not me. But that's what I am feeling. I don't get it. Done. Why does it have to be so matter of fact? So decisive? It's irritating. Maybe I just need to chill and stay away from everyone and everything for a while, collect my thoughts and feelings, suck it up, and get on with my life. That's what I want to do. Will I do it? Hmm. At the moment, I don't have time. I am too busy doing stuff that I had no business volunteering for (or being volunteered for) or committing to in the first place. But I am a person of my word, and even if it kills me, I will more than likely follow through.

I think I just need someone to understand where I'm coming from, and no one person really can. Lori is probably as close as it gets b/c she's my cousin... similar genes... similar thought processes... ok, I guess that means I can only count on her to understand me, or at least pretend to understand me... :) Although, I have a few other friends that are good at that. :) And that may be all I need.

I don't need someone to save me.
I don't need someone to baby me (though pampering every now and then is nice).
I don't need someone to use me (been there, done that).
I don't need someone to feel sorry for me or pity me (waste of energy part).
I don't need someone to expect me to be someone I am not (happened enough life).
I don't need someone to try and get in my head and say things for me.

However...
I need someone to love me.
I need someone to forgive me.
I need someone to accept me.
I need someone to appreciate me.
I need someone to cherish me.
I need someone to be there if I need to call at 3am.
I need someone to get me.
I need someone to laugh with me, and make me laugh.
I need someone who will take a risk, but know limitations.
I need someone who loves life.
I need someone to value me.

And that "someone" is anyone I call my friend. period.

(and yes, thank you renna, for answering that call at 4:30 in the morning at the time of the bull incident...)

So many people have asked me what am I going to do after the divorce. First of all, I have to be able to afford the divorce. Still working on that. Do I think it's what God wants? I don't think it's what He wants, but I think He knows my heart, and his heart. I have a feeling I am going to struggle with this. That's just me.

I have friends tell me to do what I want to do, what makes me happy. My family says it's about time, I deserve it... but do I really? As I look back, it's hard to tell if that is an accurate statement. Maybe I'm destined not to be married. I know for a fact I am not that easy of a person to love... if you have to spend too much time around me. Sad, right? ha... no. not sad at all. I think I possess an energy that wears on people. I don't do it on purpose, and I'm not sure what really drives it... but it's there. I have to be going. nonstop, it seems. I need to slow down, and I have quite a bit (thank you Sheilah for all the vacay opps)... but still need to a little more.

All I know is that I cannot change the core of who I am. What I believe. What I know about myself. I can change the influence, but I won't compromise my beliefs or morals to satisfy someone else's opinion or viewpoint. I'm not that one in the crowd. I will be the one questioning why before changing who I am.

I might be silent, step back and watch and listen... but not change. Some of you think it's strange for me to be quiet. :) It could be. Depends on why I'm quiet. I have learned that sometimes it's better just to shut up and be quiet, than say too much. Spilling at the mouth sometimes gets you in trouble, even when it's meant to help heal, it ends up hurting... so I'm working on conversational control.

But know this, when I am silent, I usually am thinking about why, what, where, what if, and how...

And if any of this rakes on you, then perhaps it needs to. Though the intention was just my thoughts... it wasn't written specifically for anyone or anything, just what I was thinking tonight.

Oh yeah, and thanks Sheilah, for making it apparent that I need more than 3 vacations out of the country per year to lower my stress level and possibly keep my sanity level closer to normal. :) Thinking moving to Belize for 6 months might be a key to survival. (just no lobster)

And one more thing... I wouldn't be where I am, wouldn't have quite as interesting of a life if it weren't for you, who are reading this. You are my greatest friends who I share this with. Know that you are cherished, appreciated and loved more than you can imagine. Phil 1:3