Some of you think it's so strange that I write down what I am thinking... Well, if I didn't want you to know what I was thinking, I wouldn't attempt to write on this blog/journal. Anyway, she said, and I quote,
"You can only trust in the Lord. Humans will let you down, my dear. They will always let you down. No matter who it is..."
I sit here and basically beat myself up thinking I did something wrong, said something wrong, looked at someone wrong... but in actuality, I don't deserve this. No one deserves to feel belittled, unloved, underappreciated... but many people do. Why do I sit here and ponder over stupid stuff, that won't make a difference 5 years from now anyway... probably won't make a difference in 10 minutes...
People do let me down. And irritates me how I notice it. I am disappointed in someone at the moment. They have no idea. It's all because of my expectations I am certain. So I'll get over it.
I have often wondered why can't they, and what if they, and why don't they... I am really tired of trying to understand the way people think. I'm not a psychologist, psychic, doctor, counselor, etc... (and bless you if you are one)... and it gives me a headache to try and "figure people out" when I shouldn't have to.
One minute, every thing is fine.
The next minute, it's totally opposite.
Have you ever not wanted to answer the phone? Ok, for some of you, this isn't a far stretch from your reality... but for me, I genuinely like to talk to people, all kinds of people, except bill collectors and solicitors... but for the most part, I just like talking to people. But there are those moments, when I just want to hit "ignore" when someone calls because I just don't have the energy to be happy and upbeat and positive, especially if their life is filled with drama and I have to listen to it... call me selfish. insensitive. whatever you like. but that's what I feel.
I read two chapters of my book, Blue Like Jazz... and came to the conclusion that I feel some of what the writer was feeling. At the end of Chapter 1, I highlighted a paragraph that I can relate to...
Other people have feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually mean something, that I can make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them. I suddenly felt responsible. I was supposed to make them happy, not sad...
From Chapter 2...
If you don't love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them, you get pleasure from their pleasure and it makes it easy to serve...
the path to joy winds through a dark alley.
5 Questions I ask myself right now:
Why do I let myself become emotionally attached to someone else?
Am I doing what God wants me to do to make Him happy, which in turn makes others happy?
Why do I question the reasons for the friendships I have?
Why do I let tiny actions cause larger reactions from me?
How long will I have to walk in the dark before joy slaps me in the face?
feel free to fill me in on the answers if you feel so inclined. :)