Wow... as I sit here, listening to the live coverage on tv of the New York City celebration (along with the million BlackCats going off outside), with Jasper sunk in next to me on the chair... I can't help but think some things that went on this year, 2009:
Some good...
Celine concert. Club volleyball. Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vow Renewal. Nickelback experience (in April, then September). Academy of Country Music Awards in Vegas. Then there was my birthday... in Florida. Fun, fun, fun. Motorcycle burns. Shopping. Steaks. Beautiful blue water and lobster in Belize. A little bit of Colorado. Cancun. A little more Colorado. Experienced Rocktoberfest in Denver for the post season MLB Rockies. Snow. Working the Texas Stampede in Dallas. Friends came to Colorado to visit. More snow. Cabo. More friends came to visit Colorado. Skybar. Seeing an old friend on Christmas. Talked to many friends.
Some sad...
Hit bulls in my jeep and almost totaled it. A good friend of mine had to say goodbye to her mother. My aunt lost her sight due to an infection that the doctor's overlooked. My dad has been gone 6 years. This has also been a disheartening year. I have come to the conclusion that my marriage is over. I have lived with many people telling me their opinions and beliefs, their cares and concerns, and their likes and dislikes. All in all, it's sad, really, because I honestly did every thing I thought I could do to turn things around. But evidently, it didn't work. To love and to be loved. That's all I want.
So... goodbye 2009, Hello 2010....
may it be a great year!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Christmastime...
The snow is melting a little bit, but there are still quite a few traces on the ground. Today at the elementary school within view, they finally let the kids outside for recess... oh to have that energy again... The mountains in the distance still have a bit of snow on them as well, but not as pretty as this picture I'm posting. This was from two weeks ago, the first part of December when Renna and Jan came to visit.
I'm sure I'll post more on here... as it become available.
Peace out.
I'm sure I'll post more on here... as it become available.
Peace out.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Stepping into the definition of relaxation...
I know I haven't written on here in a while, but I just had to share a little bit about the trip I went on this past weekend to Cabo... For all that know me, I am not the one to relax much... if ever. But, I didn't take my computer with me, although we had free wi-fi there... I opted to be "work-free" except for the photos, of course. Here is what we saw each day... it was absolutely beautiful:
Oh, to be able to have a weekend home somewhere like this... keep dreamin', I know...
So, yes, I'll fall into relaxing whenever I can...soak it up. God meant for me to see and take this in...
I was lucky enough to be invited by Sheilah to enjoy this trip because of her wonderful work with American Express... and because she's my friend...(and if you ever need a travel agent...she's there)
I'll include some pix from the photo shoot as well, b/c you know I have to write part of this trip off... :) and casual pix to share from our adventures...
Capella Entrance (through mountain tunnel)
This is what was brought to the room each day after lunch... for a snack.
Private Infinity Pool, view from the room overlooking the Pacific and the Capella property.
Looking back up to the room from the pool area near the beach, showing the mountain in the background, and huge infinity pool with full bar and restaurant in foreground.
What we were greeted with upon arrival, fresh roasted, salted, cashews, tequila, lime and rock salt... how appropriate.
This was a group picture with Sheilah and I and all our new friends at Squid Roe... fun night...
Fun trip with a great friend... great food, great sun, great memories...
Some pix from Sheilah's photoshoot... but the first two are of me, one self timer of both of us... and then her...
Oh, to be able to have a weekend home somewhere like this... keep dreamin', I know...
So, yes, I'll fall into relaxing whenever I can...soak it up. God meant for me to see and take this in...
I was lucky enough to be invited by Sheilah to enjoy this trip because of her wonderful work with American Express... and because she's my friend...(and if you ever need a travel agent...she's there)
I'll include some pix from the photo shoot as well, b/c you know I have to write part of this trip off... :) and casual pix to share from our adventures...
Capella Entrance (through mountain tunnel)
This is what was brought to the room each day after lunch... for a snack.
Private Infinity Pool, view from the room overlooking the Pacific and the Capella property.
Looking back up to the room from the pool area near the beach, showing the mountain in the background, and huge infinity pool with full bar and restaurant in foreground.
What we were greeted with upon arrival, fresh roasted, salted, cashews, tequila, lime and rock salt... how appropriate.
This was a group picture with Sheilah and I and all our new friends at Squid Roe... fun night...
Fun trip with a great friend... great food, great sun, great memories...
Some pix from Sheilah's photoshoot... but the first two are of me, one self timer of both of us... and then her...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Random Thoughts
Is it okay to tolerate someone who has hypocritical tendencies, yet is blinded by their own insecurities to see what they are actually doing? Just asking. It was on my mind. Having random thoughts lately. But I guess that is better than having no thoughts at all.
Is it a little awkward to want to go to a pub for a Sunday brunch after church?
I was looking up plane tickets to Anchorage to see a friend...and OMG, they are so expensive... even a couple of months out. So, we'll have to re-evaluate that whim.
I wish I could make everything better... like "be the change you want to see in the world" is my new slogan. I just can't please everyone all the time. It gets old after a while, trying to avoid things, step on eggshells, and tread lightly around a select few. If they don't know me, like me, or love me by now... oh well. It probably meant they are there for a season... but not a lifetime.
Current Events:
Tonight I had fun, Rockies baseball vs. Cardinals... they lost 3-6, but it was fun, nonetheless. Went with Stef, TB, Carlei and Jeff. We were in the upper section, but had a pretty good view of 1st base. The weather was perfect for a baseball game, and the sun fading behind the mountains was beautiful.
Before the game, we caught the last quarter of "non-competition" of ut vs. utep at a little Texas bar and grill in Denver. It was fun, and I was amazed to see all the burnt orange shirts filling up the place. A victory is a victory though, and Texas did it in a big way.
And then I found out that UH beat Texas Tech... what?!? that's awesome.
all in all. a good night out with friends. that always makes me feel good.
Is it a little awkward to want to go to a pub for a Sunday brunch after church?
I was looking up plane tickets to Anchorage to see a friend...and OMG, they are so expensive... even a couple of months out. So, we'll have to re-evaluate that whim.
I wish I could make everything better... like "be the change you want to see in the world" is my new slogan. I just can't please everyone all the time. It gets old after a while, trying to avoid things, step on eggshells, and tread lightly around a select few. If they don't know me, like me, or love me by now... oh well. It probably meant they are there for a season... but not a lifetime.
Current Events:
Tonight I had fun, Rockies baseball vs. Cardinals... they lost 3-6, but it was fun, nonetheless. Went with Stef, TB, Carlei and Jeff. We were in the upper section, but had a pretty good view of 1st base. The weather was perfect for a baseball game, and the sun fading behind the mountains was beautiful.
Before the game, we caught the last quarter of "non-competition" of ut vs. utep at a little Texas bar and grill in Denver. It was fun, and I was amazed to see all the burnt orange shirts filling up the place. A victory is a victory though, and Texas did it in a big way.
And then I found out that UH beat Texas Tech... what?!? that's awesome.
all in all. a good night out with friends. that always makes me feel good.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
My Dad
Yesterday my dad would have been 74. I miss him. :) I can't help but feel selfish and wish he was still here, but I think of him more often than not, and wonder what he would do in certain situations, what he would say...
I miss his smile. Always could warm a room, made me feel like the most loved person in the world, made me feel good about myself, it was validation of the love between a father and a daughter.
I miss his eyes. Though the last days here, his eyes were not as happy as they usually were, they were full of worry and anxiety, but there was a sense of calm when he looked at me. My dad actually smiled with his eyes. He had joy in him, and loved to share.
I miss him. period.
Be sure and tell those who you love, cherish, and are thankful they are in your life... what you feel... because one day, as dismal as it sounds, you may not have the chance... and why wouldn't you want to make someones day? make them feel better? let them know you care?
I try to use what my dad taught me in that I am open and honest with my feelings, about my family, my friends, people who are closest to me. It may be repetitive when I say I love you, I appreciate you, I'm thankful for you... but each time, each and every time I say it, write it, email it, I mean it. :)
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
I miss his smile. Always could warm a room, made me feel like the most loved person in the world, made me feel good about myself, it was validation of the love between a father and a daughter.
I miss his eyes. Though the last days here, his eyes were not as happy as they usually were, they were full of worry and anxiety, but there was a sense of calm when he looked at me. My dad actually smiled with his eyes. He had joy in him, and loved to share.
I miss him. period.
Be sure and tell those who you love, cherish, and are thankful they are in your life... what you feel... because one day, as dismal as it sounds, you may not have the chance... and why wouldn't you want to make someones day? make them feel better? let them know you care?
I try to use what my dad taught me in that I am open and honest with my feelings, about my family, my friends, people who are closest to me. It may be repetitive when I say I love you, I appreciate you, I'm thankful for you... but each time, each and every time I say it, write it, email it, I mean it. :)
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Disappointment
The words that my cousin relayed to me the other day are becoming more clear as I sit here, alone in this dark room, with mountains hiding in the distance. I tend to write more at night... when it's quiet, and I can actually complete thoughts in my head.
Some of you think it's so strange that I write down what I am thinking... Well, if I didn't want you to know what I was thinking, I wouldn't attempt to write on this blog/journal. Anyway, she said, and I quote,
I sit here and basically beat myself up thinking I did something wrong, said something wrong, looked at someone wrong... but in actuality, I don't deserve this. No one deserves to feel belittled, unloved, underappreciated... but many people do. Why do I sit here and ponder over stupid stuff, that won't make a difference 5 years from now anyway... probably won't make a difference in 10 minutes...
People do let me down. And irritates me how I notice it. I am disappointed in someone at the moment. They have no idea. It's all because of my expectations I am certain. So I'll get over it.
I have often wondered why can't they, and what if they, and why don't they... I am really tired of trying to understand the way people think. I'm not a psychologist, psychic, doctor, counselor, etc... (and bless you if you are one)... and it gives me a headache to try and "figure people out" when I shouldn't have to.
One minute, every thing is fine.
The next minute, it's totally opposite.
Have you ever not wanted to answer the phone? Ok, for some of you, this isn't a far stretch from your reality... but for me, I genuinely like to talk to people, all kinds of people, except bill collectors and solicitors... but for the most part, I just like talking to people. But there are those moments, when I just want to hit "ignore" when someone calls because I just don't have the energy to be happy and upbeat and positive, especially if their life is filled with drama and I have to listen to it... call me selfish. insensitive. whatever you like. but that's what I feel.
I read two chapters of my book, Blue Like Jazz... and came to the conclusion that I feel some of what the writer was feeling. At the end of Chapter 1, I highlighted a paragraph that I can relate to...
From Chapter 2...
5 Questions I ask myself right now:
feel free to fill me in on the answers if you feel so inclined. :)
Some of you think it's so strange that I write down what I am thinking... Well, if I didn't want you to know what I was thinking, I wouldn't attempt to write on this blog/journal. Anyway, she said, and I quote,
"You can only trust in the Lord. Humans will let you down, my dear. They will always let you down. No matter who it is..."
I sit here and basically beat myself up thinking I did something wrong, said something wrong, looked at someone wrong... but in actuality, I don't deserve this. No one deserves to feel belittled, unloved, underappreciated... but many people do. Why do I sit here and ponder over stupid stuff, that won't make a difference 5 years from now anyway... probably won't make a difference in 10 minutes...
People do let me down. And irritates me how I notice it. I am disappointed in someone at the moment. They have no idea. It's all because of my expectations I am certain. So I'll get over it.
I have often wondered why can't they, and what if they, and why don't they... I am really tired of trying to understand the way people think. I'm not a psychologist, psychic, doctor, counselor, etc... (and bless you if you are one)... and it gives me a headache to try and "figure people out" when I shouldn't have to.
One minute, every thing is fine.
The next minute, it's totally opposite.
Have you ever not wanted to answer the phone? Ok, for some of you, this isn't a far stretch from your reality... but for me, I genuinely like to talk to people, all kinds of people, except bill collectors and solicitors... but for the most part, I just like talking to people. But there are those moments, when I just want to hit "ignore" when someone calls because I just don't have the energy to be happy and upbeat and positive, especially if their life is filled with drama and I have to listen to it... call me selfish. insensitive. whatever you like. but that's what I feel.
I read two chapters of my book, Blue Like Jazz... and came to the conclusion that I feel some of what the writer was feeling. At the end of Chapter 1, I highlighted a paragraph that I can relate to...
Other people have feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually mean something, that I can make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them. I suddenly felt responsible. I was supposed to make them happy, not sad...
From Chapter 2...
If you don't love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them, you get pleasure from their pleasure and it makes it easy to serve...
the path to joy winds through a dark alley.
5 Questions I ask myself right now:
Why do I let myself become emotionally attached to someone else?
Am I doing what God wants me to do to make Him happy, which in turn makes others happy?
Why do I question the reasons for the friendships I have?
Why do I let tiny actions cause larger reactions from me?
How long will I have to walk in the dark before joy slaps me in the face?
feel free to fill me in on the answers if you feel so inclined. :)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Blue Like Jazz
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality
A book that was given to me to read by a wonderful friend of mine.
This is a great book so far...
This is a great quote from the "Author's Note" page at the very front...
Just taking from this quote... isn't that true? He was referring to a sax player playing with his eyes closed...
I apply this to other areas of my life.
Giving
My parents have always been giving people. I emulated them, and saw their passion for giving. So, now, I love to give.
Reading & Writing
My grandmother loved to read. I never really understood it until she took me to the library and explained how you can travel and go on explorations, just by opening and reading a story. I would see firsthand, the effect a good book had on her, so I was curious. Then I started reading... and writing my own stories, taking me away to my own destinations with no limits.
Driving
Now, if any of you know me, you know I love to drive. My mom and dad both influenced me there. But seeing my dad have so much fun, as I sat in the passenger seat of my new '66 Mustang he just bought me when I was 16, and feeling the thrill of fishtailing around a corner on a dirt road... made me want to drive like that.Well, maybe not exactly like that... but I wanted to feel that thrill. He loved to handle a car like that. Loved it. And my mom always drove fast, careful, but fast. So, I love to drive.
Shopping
My sister loves to shop. Has ever since I can remember. This ties in with the giving as well... I love shopping with her. It gives her so much joy and happiness to shop... and now I love it. Just ask my friends.
Taking Photos
Again, this is from my dad. He loved his camera(s)... and I was surrounded by many images he took my whole life. I have a favorite one of me and my mom, that he took, and I used it in a collage for her. I am including it. To see my dad enjoy so much taking photos, capturing memories, documenting our life... that was amazing. I'm sure it rubbed off on me, and I love taking photos now.
Food
Yes, I love food. All my friends love food. Many of them are excellent cooks!! Very thankful for that. Though my love of food has not turned into a love of cooking... I'd rather just eat, although I CAN cook, if I have to.
And though I have seen people who LOVE sushi... I haven't learned to love it... yet. :)
There are so many other things that I have learned to love, but mostly, I have learned to love my life, the blessings I have been granted, the dreams that have come true, the friends that I have, the family that I was given, the people who I have met along the way that have made an impact somehow, on my life.
My prayer is that more people would open their eyes to the differences of others, try to grasp what they truly love, love as Christ loved, approach every single thing and every single person with a servants heart, and the best of intentions, and good things will happen. Joy will happen.
Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality
A book that was given to me to read by a wonderful friend of mine.
This is a great book so far...
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.
This is a great quote from the "Author's Note" page at the very front...
Just taking from this quote... isn't that true? He was referring to a sax player playing with his eyes closed...
I apply this to other areas of my life.
Giving
My parents have always been giving people. I emulated them, and saw their passion for giving. So, now, I love to give.
Reading & Writing
My grandmother loved to read. I never really understood it until she took me to the library and explained how you can travel and go on explorations, just by opening and reading a story. I would see firsthand, the effect a good book had on her, so I was curious. Then I started reading... and writing my own stories, taking me away to my own destinations with no limits.
Driving
Now, if any of you know me, you know I love to drive. My mom and dad both influenced me there. But seeing my dad have so much fun, as I sat in the passenger seat of my new '66 Mustang he just bought me when I was 16, and feeling the thrill of fishtailing around a corner on a dirt road... made me want to drive like that.Well, maybe not exactly like that... but I wanted to feel that thrill. He loved to handle a car like that. Loved it. And my mom always drove fast, careful, but fast. So, I love to drive.
Shopping
My sister loves to shop. Has ever since I can remember. This ties in with the giving as well... I love shopping with her. It gives her so much joy and happiness to shop... and now I love it. Just ask my friends.
Taking Photos
Again, this is from my dad. He loved his camera(s)... and I was surrounded by many images he took my whole life. I have a favorite one of me and my mom, that he took, and I used it in a collage for her. I am including it. To see my dad enjoy so much taking photos, capturing memories, documenting our life... that was amazing. I'm sure it rubbed off on me, and I love taking photos now.
Food
Yes, I love food. All my friends love food. Many of them are excellent cooks!! Very thankful for that. Though my love of food has not turned into a love of cooking... I'd rather just eat, although I CAN cook, if I have to.
And though I have seen people who LOVE sushi... I haven't learned to love it... yet. :)
There are so many other things that I have learned to love, but mostly, I have learned to love my life, the blessings I have been granted, the dreams that have come true, the friends that I have, the family that I was given, the people who I have met along the way that have made an impact somehow, on my life.
My prayer is that more people would open their eyes to the differences of others, try to grasp what they truly love, love as Christ loved, approach every single thing and every single person with a servants heart, and the best of intentions, and good things will happen. Joy will happen.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Clouds
I was archiving some old photos on my computer today, in my down time... ha ha... and came across some great photos of me and my friends... from about 3-4 years ago, and also some of my dad from around 2000... but then I came across this one of some clouds. Appearing what seemed to be a storm moving in, I thought it was kind of cool how it doesn't really look real. It is a bit abstract... free flowing... crazy, yet cool.
What do you see in it?
Some see nothing but clouds.
I see 3 faces, gathered around, closely, looking down through the clouds...
I wish now I would have taken a raw image of it, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?
I used to love sitting and staring at the clouds... and determining what God was trying to tell me with His pictures... along with my imagination. Shortly after my father died, I would see him, not his face... but like his hands reaching, or what I thought to be a silhouette similar to his... As you can imagine, many photos went through my head, in a way comforting me... I was thinking that my dad was still surrounding me, somehow... and he is... in my heart.
Monday, August 24, 2009
before my eyes
Just amazing. The sky is tinted, sun is setting behind the mountains, and God has given me this beautiful, yet serene, glimpse of awe-inspired beauty that only He could provide. (It kind of makes me want to go climb a mountain... but then I think twice and realize how out of breath I would be... and change my mind... for now anyway.)
Seeing children play on the playground at the school within my view makes me hope that, even though it's highly possible that they do, that they never take this environment, beautiful display of America, of God's creative side if you would... for granted. It's a bit calming... not that I am overly wired. Being in this town doesn't really allow for "wired" attitudes, so I am constantly tested. :)
Just wanted to share what was before my eyes tonight before the darkness overcame the little city of Longmont.
God is good.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Gym Noise
So... I went to the gym this afternoon (can't go at night b/c they close early here... everything closes earlry here, especially on Sunday)... I did my normal elliptical routine, then crunch machine, then calf raises, then leg press... (oh, and I laughed at a podcast from comedy central... so hard, that I jerked my hand back, caught my headphone cord, jerked my iPhone out of the cup it was resting in and it flew across about 3 other ellipticals, not to mention jerking the earbud from my ear...this was the precedent of my workout today.) [and yes, my phone still works fine... glad I bought applecare]
I decided to bump up the weight on the leg press... and then it happened...
I listened real close, and heard this creaking sound. Seriously? Oh my goodness... All I could think of is the tendon in my left knee snapping in half.... breaking away from my kneecap, like my right one did playing volleyball in '01... I slowed down, thinking it wouldn't make that sound if I slowed it down... not that I was going that fast to begin with... but it was just a thought... ha ha... nope. I finished my set, of course, because I didn't want to just stop... I probably should have just stopped... but I didn't. Max weight was only 210... my knees shouldn't be crackling like they were. It reminded me of an old door on a scary house in a horror movie... that needed a good oiling. Scary. Yes.
Conclusion: Start young to take care of your body. It's the only one you have. Only you can mold it, shape it, restrict it, indulge it... But the older you get, the harder it is to tell it what to do. Takes a little more perserverance, not to mention perspiration...
I decided to bump up the weight on the leg press... and then it happened...
I listened real close, and heard this creaking sound. Seriously? Oh my goodness... All I could think of is the tendon in my left knee snapping in half.... breaking away from my kneecap, like my right one did playing volleyball in '01... I slowed down, thinking it wouldn't make that sound if I slowed it down... not that I was going that fast to begin with... but it was just a thought... ha ha... nope. I finished my set, of course, because I didn't want to just stop... I probably should have just stopped... but I didn't. Max weight was only 210... my knees shouldn't be crackling like they were. It reminded me of an old door on a scary house in a horror movie... that needed a good oiling. Scary. Yes.
Conclusion: Start young to take care of your body. It's the only one you have. Only you can mold it, shape it, restrict it, indulge it... But the older you get, the harder it is to tell it what to do. Takes a little more perserverance, not to mention perspiration...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Is it always worth it?
Is it always worth it?
Ever feel that you try too hard? When is enough enough?
I have done nothing but try and be the best person, the best friend that I can be to many of my "friends"... I have been welcomed into circles of friends... and for that am grateful, though some are under false pretenses. I don't fit well with clicks, or the "in" group. I don't conform to others opinions just because I hang around them... or feel the same way because someone tells me I ought to. For this, I am deeply saddened that as I reflect on some of the friendships that I thought were a gift, a treasure, in reality were not.
Maybe I just need more intricate relationships... Some relationships that I loved... friends that I thought were forever... weren't what I needed to be a better person... Surface, yes. Deeper, no. Not my level of deep anyway... more like a 12 ft pool, instead of a 60 ft. dive in the ocean... which in the grand scheme of things... at least we weren't sitting in the kiddie pool.
When you give and give, and give.. and give some more, and you are around those who constantly take and take, and take... and take what's left... where does that leave you? Empty.
In some relationships in my life I have been walked on, kicked while I was down, used and abused, taken advantage of... whatever bad you can imagine, it's probably happened... all because I see the greater good in people. Learning from those experiences leaves me a bit apprehensive to truly be myself around those who I value, love, cherish, etc. But I still manage...
I do know that people arrive on your path for a reason... whether it be to be a friend forever, or just a little time... there is some sort of value/lesson to be learned from it. Sometimes, grant it, we don't ever really know why God puts certain people in our paths... but I can be sure that the ones that lead me closer to Him, are the forever friends... and for that... I am grateful.
If I could have a super power, it would almost be to know how others think. Because I am sure I misinterpret so many times, the way people say something, their non-verbals, their tone, or just their actions in general.... and they could be thinking something totally opposite. This is why we should learn respect at a very early age... It would more than likely not be an issue, or at least as large of one, when we become adults.
So.. take the good with the bad... isn't that life in general?
To you... maybe, maybe not... but you'll never know if you don't take the risk... take the chance... and go for it...
Only you can decide whether or not it's truly worth the emotion, the love, the disappointment, the belly laughs, the tears, the sadness, the feeling of having a best friend, or the sickening feeling of having a mortal enemy... and the greatest friend you have can be here one moment, and gone in an instant.
My heart is heavy right now. I have some major decisions in front of me... and I am not sure how I'll get through them, better yet, how it will affect those involved or those who will be the recipients of these decsions... because every dadgum thing I do has a consequence... that was a fun one to learn.
Ever feel that you try too hard? When is enough enough?
I have done nothing but try and be the best person, the best friend that I can be to many of my "friends"... I have been welcomed into circles of friends... and for that am grateful, though some are under false pretenses. I don't fit well with clicks, or the "in" group. I don't conform to others opinions just because I hang around them... or feel the same way because someone tells me I ought to. For this, I am deeply saddened that as I reflect on some of the friendships that I thought were a gift, a treasure, in reality were not.
Maybe I just need more intricate relationships... Some relationships that I loved... friends that I thought were forever... weren't what I needed to be a better person... Surface, yes. Deeper, no. Not my level of deep anyway... more like a 12 ft pool, instead of a 60 ft. dive in the ocean... which in the grand scheme of things... at least we weren't sitting in the kiddie pool.
When you give and give, and give.. and give some more, and you are around those who constantly take and take, and take... and take what's left... where does that leave you? Empty.
In some relationships in my life I have been walked on, kicked while I was down, used and abused, taken advantage of... whatever bad you can imagine, it's probably happened... all because I see the greater good in people. Learning from those experiences leaves me a bit apprehensive to truly be myself around those who I value, love, cherish, etc. But I still manage...
I do know that people arrive on your path for a reason... whether it be to be a friend forever, or just a little time... there is some sort of value/lesson to be learned from it. Sometimes, grant it, we don't ever really know why God puts certain people in our paths... but I can be sure that the ones that lead me closer to Him, are the forever friends... and for that... I am grateful.
- Lori knows me just about as good as anyone... the good and the bad... Sure, yes, we've argued, gotten attitudes with each other, but we've always managed to love each other regardless...cousin or not, she's the one that would be there for me if I truly needed her to. She may not understand the reasons I do things, or think the way I think... but she knows how to react to those reasons and thoughts... in a non-abrupt, non-invasive, caring way. She is honest with me... brutally, but I need that sometimes. It might be genetic that we just get along... always have... Others say they would, but in the depths of me... I'm not sure they would follow through. People sometimes say a lot, just to say a lot... with no substance. Maybe I just need validation that I am doing the right thing... by the right people... for the right reason... ? Who knows.
If I could have a super power, it would almost be to know how others think. Because I am sure I misinterpret so many times, the way people say something, their non-verbals, their tone, or just their actions in general.... and they could be thinking something totally opposite. This is why we should learn respect at a very early age... It would more than likely not be an issue, or at least as large of one, when we become adults.
So.. take the good with the bad... isn't that life in general?
Is it always worth it?
To you... maybe, maybe not... but you'll never know if you don't take the risk... take the chance... and go for it...
Only you can decide whether or not it's truly worth the emotion, the love, the disappointment, the belly laughs, the tears, the sadness, the feeling of having a best friend, or the sickening feeling of having a mortal enemy... and the greatest friend you have can be here one moment, and gone in an instant.
Is it always worth it to me? yesGreater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 NIV
My heart is heavy right now. I have some major decisions in front of me... and I am not sure how I'll get through them, better yet, how it will affect those involved or those who will be the recipients of these decsions... because every dadgum thing I do has a consequence... that was a fun one to learn.
Is it always worth it?
Is it always worth it?
Ever feel that you try too hard? When is enough enough?
I have done nothing but try and be the best person, the best friend that I can be to many of my "friends"... I have been welcomed into circles of friends... and for that am grateful, though some are under false pretenses. I don't fit well with clicks, or the "in" group. I don't conform to others opinions just because I hang around them... or feel the same way because someone tells me I ought to. For this, I am deeply saddened that as I reflect on some of the friendships that I thought were a gift, a treasure, in reality were not.
Maybe I just need more intricate relationships... Some relationships that I loved... friends that I thought were forever... weren't what I needed to be a better person... Surface, yes. Deeper, no. Not my level of deep anyway... more like a 12 ft pool, instead of a 60 ft. dive in the ocean... which in the grand scheme of things... at least we weren't sitting in the kiddie pool.
When you give and give, and give.. and give some more, and you are around those who constantly take and take, and take... and take what's left... where does that leave you? Empty.
In some relationships in my life I have been walked on, kicked while I was down, used and abused, taken advantage of... whatever bad you can imagine, it's probably happened... all because I see the greater good in people. Learning from those experiences leaves me a bit apprehensive to truly be myself around those who I value, love, cherish, etc. But I still manage...
I do know that people arrive on your path for a reason... whether it be to be a friend forever, or just a little time... there is some sort of value/lesson to be learned from it. Sometimes, grant it, we don't ever really know why God puts certain people in our paths... but I can be sure that the ones that lead me closer to Him, are the forever friends... and for that... I am grateful.
If I could have a super power, it would almost be to know how others think. Because I am sure I misinterpret so many times, the way people say something, their non-verbals, their tone, or just their actions in general.... and they could be thinking something totally opposite. This is why we should learn respect at a very early age... It would more than likely not be an issue, or at least as large of one, when we become adults.
So.. take the good with the bad... isn't that life in general?
To you... maybe, maybe not... but you'll never know if you don't take the risk... take the chance... and go for it...
Only you can decide whether or not it's truly worth the emotion, the love, the disappointment, the belly laughs, the tears, the sadness, the feeling of having a best friend, or the sickening feeling of having a mortal enemy... and the greatest friend you have can be here one moment, and gone in an instant.
My heart is heavy right now. I have some major decisions in front of me... and I am not sure how I'll get through them, better yet, how it will affect those involved or those who will be the recipients of these decsions... because every dadgum thing I do has a consequence... that was a fun one to learn.
Ever feel that you try too hard? When is enough enough?
I have done nothing but try and be the best person, the best friend that I can be to many of my "friends"... I have been welcomed into circles of friends... and for that am grateful, though some are under false pretenses. I don't fit well with clicks, or the "in" group. I don't conform to others opinions just because I hang around them... or feel the same way because someone tells me I ought to. For this, I am deeply saddened that as I reflect on some of the friendships that I thought were a gift, a treasure, in reality were not.
Maybe I just need more intricate relationships... Some relationships that I loved... friends that I thought were forever... weren't what I needed to be a better person... Surface, yes. Deeper, no. Not my level of deep anyway... more like a 12 ft pool, instead of a 60 ft. dive in the ocean... which in the grand scheme of things... at least we weren't sitting in the kiddie pool.
When you give and give, and give.. and give some more, and you are around those who constantly take and take, and take... and take what's left... where does that leave you? Empty.
In some relationships in my life I have been walked on, kicked while I was down, used and abused, taken advantage of... whatever bad you can imagine, it's probably happened... all because I see the greater good in people. Learning from those experiences leaves me a bit apprehensive to truly be myself around those who I value, love, cherish, etc. But I still manage...
I do know that people arrive on your path for a reason... whether it be to be a friend forever, or just a little time... there is some sort of value/lesson to be learned from it. Sometimes, grant it, we don't ever really know why God puts certain people in our paths... but I can be sure that the ones that lead me closer to Him, are the forever friends... and for that... I am grateful.
- Lori knows me just about as good as anyone... the good and the bad... Sure, yes, we've argued, gotten attitudes with each other, but we've always managed to love each other regardless...cousin or not, she's the one that would be there for me if I truly needed her to. She may not understand the reasons I do things, or think the way I think... but she knows how to react to those reasons and thoughts... in a non-abrupt, non-invasive, caring way. She is honest with me... brutally, but I need that sometimes. It might be genetic that we just get along... always have... Others say they would, but in the depths of me... I'm not sure they would follow through. People sometimes say a lot, just to say a lot... with no substance. Maybe I just need validation that I am doing the right thing... by the right people... for the right reason... ? Who knows.
If I could have a super power, it would almost be to know how others think. Because I am sure I misinterpret so many times, the way people say something, their non-verbals, their tone, or just their actions in general.... and they could be thinking something totally opposite. This is why we should learn respect at a very early age... It would more than likely not be an issue, or at least as large of one, when we become adults.
So.. take the good with the bad... isn't that life in general?
Is it always worth it?
To you... maybe, maybe not... but you'll never know if you don't take the risk... take the chance... and go for it...
Only you can decide whether or not it's truly worth the emotion, the love, the disappointment, the belly laughs, the tears, the sadness, the feeling of having a best friend, or the sickening feeling of having a mortal enemy... and the greatest friend you have can be here one moment, and gone in an instant.
Is it always worth it to me? yesGreater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 NIV
My heart is heavy right now. I have some major decisions in front of me... and I am not sure how I'll get through them, better yet, how it will affect those involved or those who will be the recipients of these decsions... because every dadgum thing I do has a consequence... that was a fun one to learn.
My Point of View
Why can't others have my point of view? ha ha... Just like, why can't cows fly? (well, bulls have... I was witness to that first hand)
I guess since I have more time to think about things that normally wouldn't enter my mind, I find myself asking these questions:
1. Why am I quick to assume?
2. Why can't people have more common sense?
3. Why do I react AFTER something has been said, instead of choosing my words carefully?
4. How can I be kind and cruel at the same time?
1) I think it's genetic. I just assume the answer before any question has been asked... the outcome before anything has been completed... the reason before the cause has been posed. I am doing better, though... but honestly, I am not sure why I think this way... any of my psych majors out there, see if you can figure it out... :)
2) This is an age old question. People are going to be ignorant and uninformed for the rest of our lives... I just need to consider their life experiences and environment and adapt my thinking to them... All in all, I just happen to be around more of the have not's than the have's.
3) This would be answered by the statement - I'm lacking patience. I don't know how many times I have regretted what came out of my mouth... when actually my intentions were good... I have said many things, in a back-handed kind of way that have hurt feelings, and I in turn feel horrible about it. I'm not as bad as I used to be... but there are still times when I say something out of character that will just hit a button... and off we go... again.
4) Being kind and cruel... it would have to be a fake version of kind if I can be cruel at the same time... there really isn't a fake version of cruel. I'm sure that there is some deep dark meaning to this, but I think the reason is because sometimes I am just tired of being nice. I'm all out.
The more I reflect on society in a whole, the more irritated I seem to become. In an environment that supports entitlement and looks down on discipline amazes me. Am I being tested? Absolutely. Is there any one thing I can do about it? Pray. God please hear me when I ask you to help me deal with this a little more... I need help in the areas of being able to easily forgive, overlook, forget, and love things that annoy me. So, yes, I'm lacking patience in many areas of my life... but I am packing perserverance... hopefully the two will level out what is otherwise known as me.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Camping in Colorado
Staring at the mountains in the distance, surrounded by the crisp feel of fall in Colorado takes me back to when my dad would wake us up at 4am to head out on a road trip from Houston, to Estes Park... almost every summer growing up. I remember, half asleep as I may have been, crawling up onto the bed over the cab in the Born Free camper attached to the '72 Ford pickup... cranking the window open on the side, curling up in a throw... a sleeping bag would come into play as we moved more north, b/c Texas heat is HOT... and the hot air coming in through the window was just that... hot air... then I prepared for the long haul to the mountains. My dad was so excited, which in turn, made me happy to wake up in the middle of the night.... and walk out to the camper... Usually, both of my grandmothers were traveling with us, which we were very fortunate that they got along so well... Many memories to be made... have been made, and will forever be in my heart.
I wish there was a way to convert my memory to digital video. They haven't thought of that yet, but that would be so cool... then I could see and hear my dad every day... with actual audio and video, instead of replaying it in my head.
I think the photo album (or slide box) is full of photos from our trips to Colorado, and some other places as well... 90% of them are of us, all or individual, posing in some scenic picture... There are SO MANY landscape photos that tend to blend... but... at the time, it was beautiful.
So, being up here reminds me of my dad, especially staying with my mother... and lets me appreciate more the nature that God has given us, breath fresh, mountain air... I feel as though I'll be better when I leave to go back home.
I wish there was a way to convert my memory to digital video. They haven't thought of that yet, but that would be so cool... then I could see and hear my dad every day... with actual audio and video, instead of replaying it in my head.
I think the photo album (or slide box) is full of photos from our trips to Colorado, and some other places as well... 90% of them are of us, all or individual, posing in some scenic picture... There are SO MANY landscape photos that tend to blend... but... at the time, it was beautiful.
So, being up here reminds me of my dad, especially staying with my mother... and lets me appreciate more the nature that God has given us, breath fresh, mountain air... I feel as though I'll be better when I leave to go back home.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Giving and Friends
Sitting here contemplating on just how to say this, so it doesn't step on any toes, or hurt any feelings of anyone reading this... is hard.
I've always been one to tell you what I feel, good or bad, which sometimes isn't the most appropriate answer or reaction in that particular time or place. I've had a lot of time to think about things... Some might say this is good, some others might disagree... because you know me. :)
Going back to what my grandmother said when I was little... I love hard, and hate hard... though I don't necessarily agree with the latter... I tend to not like people, and remove myself from that path. Sometimes, I think I set myself up for disappointment. Not sure why... but seems to happen more often than not... and I'm usually a pretty upbeat positive person.
First of all... my family. I love my family. Grant it, there are a few people in my family, that have tremendously disappointed me, and I don't really care to associate with them, unless I have to. Again, most people who know me wouldn't think that I would "think" like this... that I am a forgiving person, have a forgiving nature... which for the most part is true. This doesn't mean I don't love the fallen family members... I just am tired of the inconsistency in their levels of respect, caring, compassion, and good will toward others, as well as myself. So, I just don't associate with them. Now... the family I love... I love. I would do anything for them. And most of them know it.
I miss my father so much... sometimes waves of emotion come over me and it just hits me like a brick to the forehead... I wish I could call him and ask his advice, or just share what's going on with me... and just let him listen. He was good at that. He, for the most part, let me come to my own conclusion about what was going on... although, I could always feel his caring in his voice when he spoke to me on the phone, or in his eyes when I looked right in them... or even in his big hug, which I miss... he was tall, and I was so spoiled to being wrapped in his arms after a basketball game or just hugging me goodnight. I know he's with me, not only because I'm a lot like him... but because there are so many things that he did to leave fingerprints on my heart... and hopefully, I can reciprocate that by helping others, loving others, and giving to others...
Which leads me to giving... GIVING... Talk about a word with meaning. Think about this for a minute... Why wouldn't you want to give? You don't need money to give... you don't need clout... you just need compassion. For years, I haven't understood why some people don't compelled to give... anything... their time, their attention, their ears, their hands, their home, their empathy... And still, to this day, there are a few "friends" of mine, who just don't get it... They think I'm crazy for doing what I do... but I enjoy giving... but only when it's not expected... for when it is expected, it takes the joy away from giving, and almost becomes a burden...
So... if I have ever given you something, material or not... please know that it comes from my heart, it's sincere, and I don't expect anything in return. Mutual respect and love shared among friends is always a good thing... so if you want to do something for me in return... just love me as I am... don't try and put me in a box (doesn't work... it's been tried before), don't criticize me for giving (although, other criticism is acceptable), and try and not add too much drama to my already drama-filled life.
My friends... I love my friends. Ask yourself, if you are one of my friends... "Why are we friends?"... and actually answer it. I do this... And I listen to myself... I never start a sentence with "Because I"... I always point out the good in others... (because there is good in EVERYONE, no matter what you may think)... I do this on occasion to keep me in check, and make sure I am surrounding myself with the right kind of people...that build me up, not tear me down. Get away from destructive relationships... I've learned that those only make the blood pressure rise. As hard as it may be to dissolve a friendship due to too many differences in beliefs, character, or whatever the case may be... ten years from now, you'll be able to see more clearly why certain people are in your life for that moment... but not necessarily forever. This is sad to me on few levels, because when I love my friends... I love them. Period. It's just sad to have to let go. But sometimes it's necessary to do that, in order to see more clearly where God wants me to go.
I would list them on here... but there are too many that I care about, and if I left someone off, Heaven forbid. My friends know how I feel about them, because I make it a point to tell them... often... how I feel. How sad would it be to have had someone you could totally be yourself with, have loads of fun, make memories with that will last a lifetime... and never tell them that you love 'em... like a dear friend of mine said... it's like giving roses (metaphorically speaking) to your friends while they are here... so they can appreciate them...
so... to all my friends... my best friends, my true friends, my lifelong friends, and my new friends... I love you all. :)
I've always been one to tell you what I feel, good or bad, which sometimes isn't the most appropriate answer or reaction in that particular time or place. I've had a lot of time to think about things... Some might say this is good, some others might disagree... because you know me. :)
Going back to what my grandmother said when I was little... I love hard, and hate hard... though I don't necessarily agree with the latter... I tend to not like people, and remove myself from that path. Sometimes, I think I set myself up for disappointment. Not sure why... but seems to happen more often than not... and I'm usually a pretty upbeat positive person.
First of all... my family. I love my family. Grant it, there are a few people in my family, that have tremendously disappointed me, and I don't really care to associate with them, unless I have to. Again, most people who know me wouldn't think that I would "think" like this... that I am a forgiving person, have a forgiving nature... which for the most part is true. This doesn't mean I don't love the fallen family members... I just am tired of the inconsistency in their levels of respect, caring, compassion, and good will toward others, as well as myself. So, I just don't associate with them. Now... the family I love... I love. I would do anything for them. And most of them know it.
I miss my father so much... sometimes waves of emotion come over me and it just hits me like a brick to the forehead... I wish I could call him and ask his advice, or just share what's going on with me... and just let him listen. He was good at that. He, for the most part, let me come to my own conclusion about what was going on... although, I could always feel his caring in his voice when he spoke to me on the phone, or in his eyes when I looked right in them... or even in his big hug, which I miss... he was tall, and I was so spoiled to being wrapped in his arms after a basketball game or just hugging me goodnight. I know he's with me, not only because I'm a lot like him... but because there are so many things that he did to leave fingerprints on my heart... and hopefully, I can reciprocate that by helping others, loving others, and giving to others...
Which leads me to giving... GIVING... Talk about a word with meaning. Think about this for a minute... Why wouldn't you want to give? You don't need money to give... you don't need clout... you just need compassion. For years, I haven't understood why some people don't compelled to give... anything... their time, their attention, their ears, their hands, their home, their empathy... And still, to this day, there are a few "friends" of mine, who just don't get it... They think I'm crazy for doing what I do... but I enjoy giving... but only when it's not expected... for when it is expected, it takes the joy away from giving, and almost becomes a burden...
So... if I have ever given you something, material or not... please know that it comes from my heart, it's sincere, and I don't expect anything in return. Mutual respect and love shared among friends is always a good thing... so if you want to do something for me in return... just love me as I am... don't try and put me in a box (doesn't work... it's been tried before), don't criticize me for giving (although, other criticism is acceptable), and try and not add too much drama to my already drama-filled life.
My friends... I love my friends. Ask yourself, if you are one of my friends... "Why are we friends?"... and actually answer it. I do this... And I listen to myself... I never start a sentence with "Because I"... I always point out the good in others... (because there is good in EVERYONE, no matter what you may think)... I do this on occasion to keep me in check, and make sure I am surrounding myself with the right kind of people...that build me up, not tear me down. Get away from destructive relationships... I've learned that those only make the blood pressure rise. As hard as it may be to dissolve a friendship due to too many differences in beliefs, character, or whatever the case may be... ten years from now, you'll be able to see more clearly why certain people are in your life for that moment... but not necessarily forever. This is sad to me on few levels, because when I love my friends... I love them. Period. It's just sad to have to let go. But sometimes it's necessary to do that, in order to see more clearly where God wants me to go.
I would list them on here... but there are too many that I care about, and if I left someone off, Heaven forbid. My friends know how I feel about them, because I make it a point to tell them... often... how I feel. How sad would it be to have had someone you could totally be yourself with, have loads of fun, make memories with that will last a lifetime... and never tell them that you love 'em... like a dear friend of mine said... it's like giving roses (metaphorically speaking) to your friends while they are here... so they can appreciate them...
so... to all my friends... my best friends, my true friends, my lifelong friends, and my new friends... I love you all. :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Unreal
At times in my life, I have truly been shocked by the actions and reactions of others. Crazy. The level of immaturity shines through when a temper tantrum is thrown by an adult because they didn't get their way... really? Grow up. There isn't really an excuse. It just makes them look like a jerk, and confirms my thoughts on that person anyway... It's not even worth my time...
But it is sad that people go through this life without joy... with only bitterness and can't see the positive side of things... How depressing would that be?
Wouldn't it be great if there were more selfless people? The world would definitely be a happier place.
But it is sad that people go through this life without joy... with only bitterness and can't see the positive side of things... How depressing would that be?
Wouldn't it be great if there were more selfless people? The world would definitely be a happier place.
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