We are all only human.

Though sometimes we expect superhero powers to emerge out of our loved ones... we have to remember they don't possess crazy skills (okay, well maybe some of them do...) but we are all only human.

I am focusing on trying to not let little things annoy me like they have my entire life... but rather look at the good in every situation. How hard this is! But I don't think God would want us to pick people apart and look for flaws would He?

I have been told... "Practice patience..." This is very hard to do... when I ask God for help, He just gives me more situations to be patient in, so that request stopped a while back.

Renewed

Events leading up to today were treacherous and long, but the day is done. A part of my life is now over (or will be officially on Monday) and now I can move on, and take what I have learned along the way... wisdom... to make better and conscious choices in the future. I'll share my top ten with you:

1. Don't always give others the benefit of the doubt. This will usually come back to bite you later.
2. Never act on vindictive thoughts. This is not worth the energy.
3. Stay true to your convictions, morals and beliefs. Who cares what others do. You don't answer for them.
4. Pray for your enemies. How hard this is... ugh. But necessary.
5. Surround yourself with positive influences and people. There is NO room for negative any more.
6. Don't trust the court system. Figure out a way to deal with things on multiple levels, to soften the landing, in case you are forced to fly.
7. Always be the bigger person. Most show their immaturity all on their own, without your help.
8. I'm a firm believer in "what comes around, goes around"... I just wish I could be a fly on the wall.
9. People with no integrity can never cross my path again, and I'd be okay. I can't stand a liar.
10. Be thankful for the blessings you have received... always give of yourself for Him.

I'm so sleepy, but I cannot seem to sleep at the moment. So many thoughts going through my mind right now, and not necessarily good ones. It's amazing to look back on so many years and realize that the person you once vowed to spend your life with, has done a complete 180. And for the life of me, I can't understand why I could not have been a better judge of character (or lack thereof). The only word that can come to me is UNBELIEVABLE. I could sit here and write his name, her name, what they have done, what kind of people they are... and share it with the world... but that is not my place. As bad as my thoughts are about this subject, I choose the higher road. I just pray that God keeps me on that one...

I will not choose that mistake again.

Crazy Ones to Rule Breakers

Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.   ~ Steve Jobs

In the few days following the death of the Apple co-founder, Steve Jobs, many newspapers, news programs on television and online, have covered snippets and provided glances into the life of this visionary. I remember being introduced to Macintosh. 1991. Abilene Christian University. I was taking an education class with Malesa Breeding. Contrary to the PC's used in the Business Administration building, I was well on my way to becoming a "mac" lover. From that year on, I have used nothing but Apple products... from the computers, to the iPod, then the iPhone, now the iPad... yes, I have owned all... and love them! He has definitely changed the world... one apple at a time.

Steve Jobs had many quotable quotes, and will probably be published here soon, but the thing I liked most about him is that he knew what we (consumers) wanted before we wanted it. He didn't see a need, he saw a want, created a need, and followed through, even being shot down many times, by making taking the concept to reality.

I believe he is who people need to look up to when thinking business. He believed in making mistakes, learning from them, standing on his own two feet, going after his dreams, going with his gut feeling. He was ambitious, a visionary, a Einstein of our generation.

Hot Weather

If the weather we are having right now is any indication of what hell is going to be like, I want no part of it.

Settling for Seasonal.

This can mean a lot of things, can't it?

Well, the meaning that I have put into it relates to some relationships I have had along my path in life... Looking back, at that moment in time, one was my best friend... someone I could count on no matter what, I could call and laugh about what happened that day, I could cry on her shoulder, or her on mine, and it was an easy relationship... however, tides change and so do people. Although I'm not at that place in my life anymore, I am thankful for those friends of the season, whether it be a few months, a few years, or even just a few moments... in some way they have touched my life, and I'd like to think that I am better having known them. :)

High school friends will always be high school friends. I keep in touch with a few, but they aren't in my everyday life. I have great memories from those years and read about how they are doing on facebook... but haven't stayed in touch with them as much as I thought I would... "back then"... we were friends forever. Funny how things change. We grow up. We live.

Friends from college tend to be a little more steadfast, though I have had my share of those who I thought were in my life always, to a random text every now and then. Just not that same "I don't know how I can live without you" friend... to a "it's good to hear from you after all this time" friend. I do have friends from college that I'm closer to now that 20 years have passed... (wow). And I am thankful every day for the reasoning and thoughtfulness God must have had to put them in my life more now, than then.

The end of a marriage. The end of that season. Many ask me if I would have changed anything. Though sometimes I thought I regretted any decisions I have made, I couldn't whole-heartedly commit to that answer because of all the joy the entire journey of that relationship brought me. I have met so many sweet, thoughtful and precious people during that 13 years, that it's hard to say I regret it. Do I wish things would have turned out differently? In my personal life dealing with my marriage, yes... in my social life, no.

My "now" friends. They are there for crisis after crisis, purposeful for strong opinions, good shoulders, and a smile to give when needed. I have always valued them, more than maybe I should've. But for good reason. I have met some interesting people... some who have built me up, supported me in decisions, brought me down to rational thinking when I was irrational, celebrated the happy times, cried with me when sad things happened. Still have some.

No matter if I knew you growing up when I lived in Houston, in Anderson, at ACU, in Oregon, in Cisco, in Conroe, in Galveston, or in Houston... there is a reason you were in my life. Whether you still are or not isn't the deciding factor on whether or not you have influenced me, taught me something, made me aware, engaged in conversation, listened to me, comforted me, etc... what matters is that you were, and I'm sure I am more knowledgeable because of it.

1 Corinthians 15:33 

Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

Proverbs 13:20 

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Learned these at an early age. You are a product of your environment. No one can tell me that it doesn't influence you and what you are willing to do. Peer pressure falls into this category. Therefore, surround yourself with loving, wise and godly people. I believe that I have walked with the wrong and with the righteous. I have done things pleasing and not-so-pleasing in God's sight. I have prayed for healing and praised God for blessings. I will never be worthy of His grace, but will be thankful for His mercy. God knows my heart.

Fact is.... That these people and relationships don't really change. I do. It's called life. 

I can choose who to love, but not who loves me. 

I can control what I do, but not what others don't do. 

I can serve God, but can't make others serve Him. 

God gives us the power of free will, what we choose to do with it will last longer than a season.

West Texas and Boundaries

Working this week in West Texas has been fun... Hot, but fun nonetheless. I have met some great people to work with, eat with, have great conversations with... Learned a few new things along the way, but have also learned about boundaries... How to recognize them, implement them, and live by them. That's always a great, but tough lessons sometimes. I know my limit... Usually. When someone chooses to push that limit, it doesn't necessarily end up in the best light. Boundaries are there for a reason. Sometimes to protect the heart, the mind, or even the soul. NEVER compromise your beliefs and values... Even if challenged. Be able to discern what is worth arguing about and what is not. Letting someone get the best of you due to an argument gives them to edge... And in that split second... You have let them take away your joy... And for what? I know... Easier said than done... But always worth trying.

Learning new things has always been a great hobby of mine, but now in my life, more than ever, I can appreciate when I discover something that will cause my soul to react in a way I have never reacted before.

If you are reading this and think I'm talking about you... First of all, why would you think this applies to you? Second, reread this, then examine your own boundaries and thought processes, and make note of recurring themes.

What can you do today to set a boundary?
Communicate effectively to someone you care about?
Walk away from a ill-tempered discussion because you are the better person?

Some things you cannot change, no matter how you try, but sometimes you can, by realizing the boundary, or changing the way you react.

Just some food for thought...

Linda
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:El Paso, TX

Expecting Compassion

Really... is it wrong to expect compassion from a friend? who you thought was a forever friend? Just sayin' it doesn't seem right when one day it's a reality that you can depend on them, the next, you can't. To me, that's not really a friend. It's what I'd like to call a pseudo-friend. One who would LIKE to be your friend, but either doesn't know how, or could care less.

any moment...

It has always amazed me at how one moment someone could be ecstatic with happiness and excitement, and at the same time, someone could be experiencing the lowest of lows. Believe me, I have had my share of both... and both have taught me valuable lessons. One common life lesson that has been brought by the many trials and triumphs is to never take something for granted. Whether that be a person, a situation, a relationship, a job, or family.

When my dad died, I honestly thought (before he died) that I would just lose it... not know what to do without him. Little did I know that God was working on me through it all... building up my faith in Him, trust in Him, and strength in Him. Never would I think I'd need it as much as I did, but God knew. He knew all along that exact amount I would need to sustain myself and not get lost in despair for something of which I had no control.

My eyes were opened to unconditional love at it's best. Though it's disheartening to realize you must lose something that is as close to you as possible, in order to rely upon the grace and reverence of God. All good things are of Him. He never promised us a happy, stress-free, burdenless, easy-going life of nothing but good times... but He did promise He'd be there at any point in which we need Him, reach out to Him, and show faith in Him.

I know a few of my friends are going through a difficult time in their life right now. No words will really be able to comfort you... find the strength from within to go forward. With Him, nothing is impossible. My prayer for you is that you find a little more peace each day.... let God get you through the tough times... smile at a happy memory of what once was.... count your blessings, and know you are loved... feel the tear roll down your cheek, and realize not only that someone meant so much to you, but that you meant just as much, if not more, to them... and never, ever, take any moment for granted.

Love you.

a Sunday morning in March

"...live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Make every effort to keep the unity
of the Spirit through the bond of peace." 

–  Ephesians 4:1-3

Well, I know what my prayers will contain tonight. :) This passage was included in the lesson this morning when I went to church with Mom. We can only be accountable for our own actions and feelings. Sure, there are those who think it is all about them. I know people like that... but to see the bigger picture, humble yourself, use gentle words when you speak, and always act in love. A friend of mine, once upon a time, long ago... said two words to me that still resonate today... "Be kind." So true. Then I look at it and say to myself, "if it were only that easy." But in reality, it is. I have a choice, actually many choices each day, and how I react, respond and relate to those will guide me in different directions. 

"... live a life worthy of the calling you have received." 

It's time to get rid of things (thoughts and feelings as well) that bring me down, weigh on my mind, and challenge my intentions. Kind of a spring cleaning of my soul. 

Letting little things go that rake on my nerves... and letting God.

Things that bind me to the past....getting rid of them...

Knowing how to react in a Godly manner to any situation... continually learning.

Enjoying talks and conversations with Godly friends... enhancing life and soul.

Mindless clutter and stuff... thinning out.

Being patient in an impatient situation... praying for that.

Love as if my life depended on it, unconditionally.

Live in a manner pleasing to God.

What does that passage speak to you?

Black Ball of Fur

Woke up this morning to my cat, curled up next to my arm, trying to stay warm, and continue sleeping. Ever thought of what it would be like to be a cat? Or any other animal for that matter... All he does is eat, sleep and poop. But I love him anyway. :)

eyes opened

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; 

an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” 

~ Winston Churchill

now... hmm... which would apply to me?


Thinking about life in general... about everyday obstacles/opportunities that arise... I wonder if anyone actually sits down and contemplates the outcome of any given situation. Although I am very optimistic, I have been known to have pessimistic tendencies at times. And much of it results from being hurt by something or someone in my past. To clarify... not physically hurt (for me), but emotionally, spiritually, mentally.... hurt, denied, or rejected. Those can result in feelings of pessimism. At least from my experience.


I tend to maybe say words that I am thinking, but probably should just keep to myself. Happens often. Not sure if it's genetic or not, but I am strong-willed.


Oh... and found out that I need to wear my glasses more. JOY. Now for my pessimistic statement... "Now I'll be getting more headaches because the pressure on the bridge of my nose... not sure if the glasses will be worth it." :)

Horsing Around

Last week, I was able to spend a day with my cousin, Kim... This is how it went...

After watching Secretariat the night before and saturating my mind with the thoughts of horses, and how I missed mine... I woke to a freezing cold morning and hurriedly walked into the kitchen. Days seem to start early here, as Kim had already fed the horses (which I was sad to say, I was sleeping, and I missed it). She was hungry, so she made a quick breakfast. I ate my eggs, over medium, and "bundled up" in what I had hoped to be warm enough.

She had to take three of the horses to get refitted (reshoed). So, off to the barn we headed, walking, as the wind cut right through my NYU sweatshirt I had on, not to mention my yoga pants. No, I didn't watch the weather, and had no idea it was going to be that cold... nor did I think I would be out in it if it was. :)

Kim opened the trailer that was hooked to Alex's truck, and led the horses one-by-one into their sectioned stalls on the trailer. While she was doing this... I was watching one cat play with the dog, and was petting the other cat on the shelf across from the stalls she was getting the horses from. Woo hoo. No, I wasn't doing much, but I really didn't know what to do. After the horses were loaded, we headed to the vet (where she works part time) to meet the guy doing the refitting. Cold, again. Still.

I did get to walk them (well, two of them) to the fence where we tied them up. She straightened their blankets to take a bit of the chill off since they had to stand out there, and we headed to the office. I met some personnel, and saw a tail block given. Kim stood there, freezing, while the horses were refitted. Only two of the three were finished that day. And Kim had to stand there, and help hold the horse still after the sedative was given to them to not freak out.

I got tired (and cold) of standing there, so I went back to truck and got my camera. Figured I could take some photos of something there... so I took some of the guy putting the shoes on the horses... and then I walked down and saw the baby horses... so cute.

Letter from Heaven

Love as the occasion,
I thought I'd take the time
To sit and tell you
What's been weighing on my mind.

So much has happened
So many things have changed,
But who I am, what's inside
Still remains the same.

Never saw it coming
Though some may say I did,
I would have never chosen to leave this life
Nor to leave my kid.

Just to let you know, Mom,
The moment that I left,
I had no sense of timing,
Or could hear what was said.

I could feel your presence,
As I slowly drifted away,
Hearing sounds that are indescribable,
Seeing things that I can't say.

When I look down at my hands,
Feel my skin as though it's new,
There is no scarring, cuts or scrapes
And my arms can strongly move.

In the presence of the Holy One,
It's like I've been renewed.
Though I see mistakes I've made in life
He sees in me, a part of you.

I recognize a few,
With faces warm and bright.
Mamaw and Uncle Bubba
Are here with me tonight.

It seems like only yesterday
When they headed up this way.
They are extremely happy
And then I heard them say:

"What a surprise to see you, Darren
Looking good as before...
What made you step across the threshold
And walk through Heaven's door?"

I couldn't really think of the answer
That should have been right there...
I just shook my head and said,
"God must have wanted me here."

A smile came across their faces
In turn, contagious to me
I sat there with a smile on my face
Enjoying my family.

Mamaw took my hand
And gently spoke to me,
"There are no tears in Heaven,
Just souls rejoicing,

I'm sure your momma misses you
But with Him she will survive,
Though it hurts her in this moment,
The pain will dull with time.

If she could only imagine
Or envision this place,
Every tear would be wiped dry
And joy would fill her face."

I looked over at Uncle Bubba
And he was sitting there
He leaned forward, grabbed my hand,
And offered me a chair.

"No need to worry, Darren,
You are in the right place,
Take a seat here by us,
Heaven sang today.

Surreal isn't it?
I never would have dreamed
The unbelievable sounds,
The unbelievable scenes.

Seems like only yesterday
God called me home
And in the time I've been here
I've never been alone."

As I sat down next to them
A peace came over me
I am now in Heaven
With other family.

Mom, your prayers have been answered
They are heard every day.
I was blessed you were my mom,
Loved you more than I can say.

Finishing up this letter
Making it a need.
God has a plan for you,
And I want you to believe

Your purpose there on Earth
Is far more than you dream
Act in love and gentle kindness
Even when your heart feels as if it'll break.

Be the bigger person
Don't let anything cloud your way
Take each day as it comes,
And whatever happens do not dismay.

Don't worry about possessions
You can't take them when you go.
Build relationships with those you love
And always let them know.

You've always been good at this,
I always felt your love for me,
And in a way I feel as though
It helped me a better man be.

The most important things in life
Aren't really things at all.
They are relationships you build
That'll catch you when you fall.

Love not only with your heart
But with your soul feel joy.
No matter if I'm here, not there,
I'll always be your baby boy.

I don't know how long I've been here,
In Heaven, time stands still.
I'm guessing I'll see you soon,
According to God's will.

One more thing, I'd like to share

Before I must send this note...

I got a note from God today,

Saying "My Darren, Welcome Home."

sitting here silent.

Silence always has played a key role in my life education. Every time there is a elongated time of silence, I tend to dive into my mind, playing somewhere between my subconscious and conscious, and try to make sense of this crazy thing we call life, why we do some of the idiotic things we do, and the joy of rewards or suffering of the consequences that we face each and every day.

Sometimes I've often wondered if I am paying for a mistake my parents made. Silly, I guess, but when life choices come about, that question lurks near my thoughts and I wonder why it does. Why don't I have kids? Would I not make a good mother? Am I too selfish, independent, or am I just not supposed to have my own children? I was married 13 years and never entertained the thought of thinking I was pregnant. Maybe the genetics/dna wasn't appropriate and God stepped in and halted that from the getgo. That would be my wish. Then in turn it makes me wonder why there are some people who are blessed with children and don't want them, or don't love them. Makes no sense. There are so many out there to love, why aren't there enough to love them?

Silence sometimes is deafening, drowning out the everyday reality, the quirkiness of an awkward situation, or blanketing the darkness of night. Although I enjoy thinking when it's silent, my brain tends to be more at ease with some sort of audio or visual stimulation. Hence why I love music so much. If I had to choose between losing my sight and losing my hearing... it would be a tight race. Although beauty is most often referred to as being seen with the eyes, it can also be heard with the soul.

A lot has been on my mind lately about those who are not as exposed to God, or have not been exposed to God in the same way that I have. Many people are suffering in their own tragedies, self-inflicted, due to environmental surroundings. During this thought, I thought of one of my favorite quotes from Helen Keller, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." So for all of us who have experienced trial and suffering, let this remind us that we are strengthening our souls. We are constantly learning, each day, through every thought, every reaction, every dream that is reached, and every effort given. Remember that. God made us amazing children... of course.

New Year, New Possibilities...

Sitting here with my cat on my lap, nothing but the rain outside to fill the silence (besides his purr), has me thinking of all that this new year has in store. The lack of limitations on what I can do, the finality of my divorce and trying to move on with my life, the encouragement from family and friends, the importance of church and community... I want to live life to the limit. For some of you... I'm sure you already think I do this... But I could, and will, do so much more.

I started my bucket list a while back, but with all that has happened and the loss of friends and relatives over the past few months, my priorities have changed, and I thought it would be nice to share some of them with you, at least the top ten:

1. Smile more, frown less.
2. Forgive often, learn to forget.
3. Consider the source of problems and don't let it steal my joy.
4. Exercise more and enjoy the benefits of feeling good about myself.
5. Don't let someone's jealousy affect the way I convey my true self.
6. Learn to conform less, and stand up for what I believe. No compromise.
7. Don't let myself get guilted into doing something I really don't want to do.
8. Reconnect with a friend I haven't seen in a while at least once a month, even if by email.
9. Pray more, and listen to the voice of God, use my instinct that He has given me, and apply it to my life.
10. Stay connected with my extended family more, both on my mother's side, and my father's side. No matter what, family is still family. Make that a priority.