Letter from Heaven

Love as the occasion,
I thought I'd take the time
To sit and tell you
What's been weighing on my mind.

So much has happened
So many things have changed,
But who I am, what's inside
Still remains the same.

Never saw it coming
Though some may say I did,
I would have never chosen to leave this life
Nor to leave my kid.

Just to let you know, Mom,
The moment that I left,
I had no sense of timing,
Or could hear what was said.

I could feel your presence,
As I slowly drifted away,
Hearing sounds that are indescribable,
Seeing things that I can't say.

When I look down at my hands,
Feel my skin as though it's new,
There is no scarring, cuts or scrapes
And my arms can strongly move.

In the presence of the Holy One,
It's like I've been renewed.
Though I see mistakes I've made in life
He sees in me, a part of you.

I recognize a few,
With faces warm and bright.
Mamaw and Uncle Bubba
Are here with me tonight.

It seems like only yesterday
When they headed up this way.
They are extremely happy
And then I heard them say:

"What a surprise to see you, Darren
Looking good as before...
What made you step across the threshold
And walk through Heaven's door?"

I couldn't really think of the answer
That should have been right there...
I just shook my head and said,
"God must have wanted me here."

A smile came across their faces
In turn, contagious to me
I sat there with a smile on my face
Enjoying my family.

Mamaw took my hand
And gently spoke to me,
"There are no tears in Heaven,
Just souls rejoicing,

I'm sure your momma misses you
But with Him she will survive,
Though it hurts her in this moment,
The pain will dull with time.

If she could only imagine
Or envision this place,
Every tear would be wiped dry
And joy would fill her face."

I looked over at Uncle Bubba
And he was sitting there
He leaned forward, grabbed my hand,
And offered me a chair.

"No need to worry, Darren,
You are in the right place,
Take a seat here by us,
Heaven sang today.

Surreal isn't it?
I never would have dreamed
The unbelievable sounds,
The unbelievable scenes.

Seems like only yesterday
God called me home
And in the time I've been here
I've never been alone."

As I sat down next to them
A peace came over me
I am now in Heaven
With other family.

Mom, your prayers have been answered
They are heard every day.
I was blessed you were my mom,
Loved you more than I can say.

Finishing up this letter
Making it a need.
God has a plan for you,
And I want you to believe

Your purpose there on Earth
Is far more than you dream
Act in love and gentle kindness
Even when your heart feels as if it'll break.

Be the bigger person
Don't let anything cloud your way
Take each day as it comes,
And whatever happens do not dismay.

Don't worry about possessions
You can't take them when you go.
Build relationships with those you love
And always let them know.

You've always been good at this,
I always felt your love for me,
And in a way I feel as though
It helped me a better man be.

The most important things in life
Aren't really things at all.
They are relationships you build
That'll catch you when you fall.

Love not only with your heart
But with your soul feel joy.
No matter if I'm here, not there,
I'll always be your baby boy.

I don't know how long I've been here,
In Heaven, time stands still.
I'm guessing I'll see you soon,
According to God's will.

One more thing, I'd like to share

Before I must send this note...

I got a note from God today,

Saying "My Darren, Welcome Home."

sitting here silent.

Silence always has played a key role in my life education. Every time there is a elongated time of silence, I tend to dive into my mind, playing somewhere between my subconscious and conscious, and try to make sense of this crazy thing we call life, why we do some of the idiotic things we do, and the joy of rewards or suffering of the consequences that we face each and every day.

Sometimes I've often wondered if I am paying for a mistake my parents made. Silly, I guess, but when life choices come about, that question lurks near my thoughts and I wonder why it does. Why don't I have kids? Would I not make a good mother? Am I too selfish, independent, or am I just not supposed to have my own children? I was married 13 years and never entertained the thought of thinking I was pregnant. Maybe the genetics/dna wasn't appropriate and God stepped in and halted that from the getgo. That would be my wish. Then in turn it makes me wonder why there are some people who are blessed with children and don't want them, or don't love them. Makes no sense. There are so many out there to love, why aren't there enough to love them?

Silence sometimes is deafening, drowning out the everyday reality, the quirkiness of an awkward situation, or blanketing the darkness of night. Although I enjoy thinking when it's silent, my brain tends to be more at ease with some sort of audio or visual stimulation. Hence why I love music so much. If I had to choose between losing my sight and losing my hearing... it would be a tight race. Although beauty is most often referred to as being seen with the eyes, it can also be heard with the soul.

A lot has been on my mind lately about those who are not as exposed to God, or have not been exposed to God in the same way that I have. Many people are suffering in their own tragedies, self-inflicted, due to environmental surroundings. During this thought, I thought of one of my favorite quotes from Helen Keller, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." So for all of us who have experienced trial and suffering, let this remind us that we are strengthening our souls. We are constantly learning, each day, through every thought, every reaction, every dream that is reached, and every effort given. Remember that. God made us amazing children... of course.

New Year, New Possibilities...

Sitting here with my cat on my lap, nothing but the rain outside to fill the silence (besides his purr), has me thinking of all that this new year has in store. The lack of limitations on what I can do, the finality of my divorce and trying to move on with my life, the encouragement from family and friends, the importance of church and community... I want to live life to the limit. For some of you... I'm sure you already think I do this... But I could, and will, do so much more.

I started my bucket list a while back, but with all that has happened and the loss of friends and relatives over the past few months, my priorities have changed, and I thought it would be nice to share some of them with you, at least the top ten:

1. Smile more, frown less.
2. Forgive often, learn to forget.
3. Consider the source of problems and don't let it steal my joy.
4. Exercise more and enjoy the benefits of feeling good about myself.
5. Don't let someone's jealousy affect the way I convey my true self.
6. Learn to conform less, and stand up for what I believe. No compromise.
7. Don't let myself get guilted into doing something I really don't want to do.
8. Reconnect with a friend I haven't seen in a while at least once a month, even if by email.
9. Pray more, and listen to the voice of God, use my instinct that He has given me, and apply it to my life.
10. Stay connected with my extended family more, both on my mother's side, and my father's side. No matter what, family is still family. Make that a priority.