Thoughts in Silence

It's kind of eerie how the silence seems so loud. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few days. More like I am realizing more about myself. And I'm not quite sure how to react to some of the things that I am feeling. Talked to my cousin tonight and we had a good conversation about feeling valued. And I know this blog goes out to more than a few friends, I'd be curious to have your feedback on this subject.

I was telling her, as well as a good friend of mine, and it's been this way my entire life I think, that if I am valued, I'm good, everyone's good, life is good... if I am not, then I'm done. I honestly don't want to put forth the effort. It's like my feelings are hurt, and in order for them not to be hurt anymore by whoever isn't valuing me, I'd rather sever the ties, and be done... as much as that would hurt all parties involved. Ok, seriously... that's not me. But that's what I am feeling. I don't get it. Done. Why does it have to be so matter of fact? So decisive? It's irritating. Maybe I just need to chill and stay away from everyone and everything for a while, collect my thoughts and feelings, suck it up, and get on with my life. That's what I want to do. Will I do it? Hmm. At the moment, I don't have time. I am too busy doing stuff that I had no business volunteering for (or being volunteered for) or committing to in the first place. But I am a person of my word, and even if it kills me, I will more than likely follow through.

I think I just need someone to understand where I'm coming from, and no one person really can. Lori is probably as close as it gets b/c she's my cousin... similar genes... similar thought processes... ok, I guess that means I can only count on her to understand me, or at least pretend to understand me... :) Although, I have a few other friends that are good at that. :) And that may be all I need.

I don't need someone to save me.
I don't need someone to baby me (though pampering every now and then is nice).
I don't need someone to use me (been there, done that).
I don't need someone to feel sorry for me or pity me (waste of energy part).
I don't need someone to expect me to be someone I am not (happened enough life).
I don't need someone to try and get in my head and say things for me.

However...
I need someone to love me.
I need someone to forgive me.
I need someone to accept me.
I need someone to appreciate me.
I need someone to cherish me.
I need someone to be there if I need to call at 3am.
I need someone to get me.
I need someone to laugh with me, and make me laugh.
I need someone who will take a risk, but know limitations.
I need someone who loves life.
I need someone to value me.

And that "someone" is anyone I call my friend. period.

(and yes, thank you renna, for answering that call at 4:30 in the morning at the time of the bull incident...)

So many people have asked me what am I going to do after the divorce. First of all, I have to be able to afford the divorce. Still working on that. Do I think it's what God wants? I don't think it's what He wants, but I think He knows my heart, and his heart. I have a feeling I am going to struggle with this. That's just me.

I have friends tell me to do what I want to do, what makes me happy. My family says it's about time, I deserve it... but do I really? As I look back, it's hard to tell if that is an accurate statement. Maybe I'm destined not to be married. I know for a fact I am not that easy of a person to love... if you have to spend too much time around me. Sad, right? ha... no. not sad at all. I think I possess an energy that wears on people. I don't do it on purpose, and I'm not sure what really drives it... but it's there. I have to be going. nonstop, it seems. I need to slow down, and I have quite a bit (thank you Sheilah for all the vacay opps)... but still need to a little more.

All I know is that I cannot change the core of who I am. What I believe. What I know about myself. I can change the influence, but I won't compromise my beliefs or morals to satisfy someone else's opinion or viewpoint. I'm not that one in the crowd. I will be the one questioning why before changing who I am.

I might be silent, step back and watch and listen... but not change. Some of you think it's strange for me to be quiet. :) It could be. Depends on why I'm quiet. I have learned that sometimes it's better just to shut up and be quiet, than say too much. Spilling at the mouth sometimes gets you in trouble, even when it's meant to help heal, it ends up hurting... so I'm working on conversational control.

But know this, when I am silent, I usually am thinking about why, what, where, what if, and how...

And if any of this rakes on you, then perhaps it needs to. Though the intention was just my thoughts... it wasn't written specifically for anyone or anything, just what I was thinking tonight.

Oh yeah, and thanks Sheilah, for making it apparent that I need more than 3 vacations out of the country per year to lower my stress level and possibly keep my sanity level closer to normal. :) Thinking moving to Belize for 6 months might be a key to survival. (just no lobster)

And one more thing... I wouldn't be where I am, wouldn't have quite as interesting of a life if it weren't for you, who are reading this. You are my greatest friends who I share this with. Know that you are cherished, appreciated and loved more than you can imagine. Phil 1:3