The Given

Have you ever given so much of yourself, that you almost begin to feel like you have nothing left to give? Yet, we are called to give of ourselves given the opportunity. When is enough actually enough? Who sets that limit? Do we set our own limits? Or should we rely on God to help with the parameters and boundaries?

Hopefully things usually work out on their own, either making it easier on both parties involved, or making a clean break... which sometimes is collateral damage if there isn't any common ground.

I have given a lot in my life. I've been stepped on, used, taken advantage of, and judged. But that doesn't change the fact that I am who I am. I do what I do. Nothing compares to a servant's heart. Many have said that it's not smart to trust people so easily, that I'll get hurt. But I am confident that my God knows my heart, knows my intentions, and I only worry about what He thinks as opposed to the many others who have put on a judgement robe.

On the flip side... I have been blessed at an indescribable level, I have been touched to my soul by some of the most extraordinary ordinary people, have worked alongside many servants of Christ, and have hopefully provided some light into those lives that so desperately need to see Him.

So why is it, that in this society we live in today, do people question intent? Characters are at stake, integrity is on the line. Do people not have any faith in humanity anymore? Are we all out to get somebody to make us look better? Is the end result for us what we are truly looking for? Be honest with yourself. Why do you do the things you do? For yourself? For others? Is it because somewhere deep inside, you have an ulterior motive? A plan? Will it make you look better? What's in it for you? Are you being selfish?

Or... Do you truly have a servant's heart? In Philippians 2:3-5, we are told to "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus" 

How can we NOT put others before us? When is says that in humility we are to count others more significant than ourselves?

I live my life with no regrets. None. I never wish I am different than God has chosen me to be. I question Him at times, which leaves me wondering. For all the people I have met in my life, they have shaped me into who I am. Some people have been great influences, others, not so much, but each has played a significant role in my journey.

At times, I get tired of having to explain myself, defend myself, or reason with those who choose not to believe what I'm saying, or fail to understand the significance of my giving. I have been told that I am generous to a fault. I believe that you can never be generous to a fault. You can't "over give." However, you can change the way you give, what you give, and how you give it, so that the recipient won't feel overwhelmed or guilty for receiving. That's never the intent, though sometimes it has been the result. I am human. I am far from perfect, and I tend to over think things at times. But if you know me, know that what I do, when I do it, is not about me. God gets the glory. All of it.

My prayer this evening: "God, please remind me in my heart, why I do what I do, and to keep You at the center of it all. Help me communicate in a way that puts who I care about at ease. Let them feel your presence and grace. Please forgive any glimpse of doubt that I see, and help me to focus on You and Your will. Please keep my heart soft and loving and help me let go of the things I need to let go of, and live my life with purpose. Forgive me for bad decisions I have made and thoughts I have had, and sins I have committed. Thank you for the smile on my face and in my heart. Without You, life would be nothing. Bless the beautiful person reading this today, and let their heart open to see something new. In Jesus Christ's name, Amen."

Thanks to my mother for this subtle reminder...
Galatians 6:10, King James Version (KJV) As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

Bask in the Beautiful

Bask in the beautiful

Of this life we've been given.

Make the most of our hours

This side of Heaven.

Forgive when we can.

Forget the bitterness inside.

Open your soul to God

And really come alive.

Only one life we've been given.

Only one life we can share.

Open your heart to those around you

And prove to them you care.

Give of yourself in ways

That seemed impossible before.

Feel Him move your heart,

Closing windows, but opening doors.

Don't pass up opportunities

To tell your loved ones you care.

You may not get a second chance,

So why wouldn't that you share?

Give the extra hug around the neck,

The smile that brightens days,

The shoulder to bear a burden,

Try to help in many ways.

Know you are doing God's work.

He's smiling down on you.

Just keep Him in your heart,

And you'll know exactly what to do.

Miss you more.

Sometimes I sit and wonder
If you can ever see me,
Hear my words I silently pray.
I wonder where you'd be.

It doesn't seem that long ago
That late in the fall
You left your life here with us
To answer Heaven's call.

I wonder if you see Mom
And see her love for you.
Watch her and protect her
Like you always do.

Thank you for teaching me
To appreciate what I've got.
To some it may be nothing,
But to me, it's quite a lot.

I'm so thankful to God
For giving me to you,
Blessing me with a father
That did what he had to do:

Work three jobs at a time,
So Mom could stay at home,
Family vacations each summer,
And all the love you've shown.

I never felt unloved
Not once in my life.
You showed me what I needed
Through my struggles and strife.

You were a good man of God,
Though on my nerves at times.
I am ever so thankful
That God made you mine.

Love you Daddy.
Miss you more.
See you soon,
Wait at Heaven's door.

Ephesians 3:16

I am at the point of wanting to vanish. Be alone with my thoughts, my prayers and God. Maybe shed some light on what's on my heart lately. I want to go where I can just be me. Drop the wall of expectation that I seem to run into all the time. I think I hold myself to a higher standard than I need to at times. Don't get me wrong, I love doing things for others, engulfing myself in the servant mode, feel Christ move in me... however, there are times that I just want to be alone, with my thoughts. Being alone with my thoughts usually causes me to think too much about things or over examine things going on in my life. This is a necessary part of my life. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't do this.

I need to let go of the control and independence that I seem to possess, and have excelled in the past 15 years. It's difficult for me to let someone do for me, yet so easy to do for others.

Losing a sweet friend recently, and happens when I am hit in the face with a reality check, puts life in perspective. Was looking through emails from her, and re-reading all the sweet words she wrote to me. She sent me this...

"Here is a verse that I cling to in my insecurities and what you to know that I am praying this verse to you: [Ephesians 3:16 I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with the power through the Holy Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your heart, through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness of God.] After all... it is only God's love that matters. And His love is your value. Thank goodness for His grace... Love ya, Elizabeth A. Mandola" 

My soul smiles at the message. 

I need to get lost and consumed with the grace and reverence of God.

Live life original.
Be yourself.
Enjoy the little things.
Promote prayer.
Forgive freely.
Count your blessings.

God knows your heart.
Is He smiling?

Giving

This word has provided me a lot to think about as of late. I have realized I cannot change myself to appease others. As much as I might think I can, I can't. Not going to happen. Their reactions may be different, but my intent remains the same. I fully believe that if I am to give, I give. Doesn't matter what... time, money, shoulder, smile, hug, silence... as long as I have it to give.

At many times in my life, I have been accused of trying to "buy" my friends. First of all, let me state this: I am not rich, nor do I plan to be rich in anything but love. For those who have thought that, not gotten to know me better, I am truly sorry, for you will never know the true meaning of my friendship. I love my friends. Almost as much as I love my family, and most of my close friends are like my family. For those friends, I would die for them, given the question. Do you have friends like that? That mean that much to you? Do you have a servant's heart?

God loves a cheerful giver. And just because you might not have any money doesn't mean you can't give... give your love, advice, arms, empathy or your silence. Silence speaks volumes at times. Some of the most heartfelt gifts I have ever received, didn't have a monetary value on them, yet I will treasure them as the priceless pieces of my life that only I have, with that friend, in my heart, forever.

So the next time someone does something nice for you, instead of having an immediate reaction of them having an ulterior motive, think about it, and take it for what it is. Have an open mind and open heart. God has a way of taking care of those who have other reasons they are being nice... It's not your job to deny someone the right to be a giver. :)

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. – John 15:13

Every man shall give as he is able,
according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you.
– Deuteronomy 16:17

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
when it is in your power to do it.
– Proverbs 3:27

…the righteous gives and does not hold back.
– Proverbs 21:26

Give to everyone who asks of you,
and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back.
– Luke 6:30

A Beautiful Blessing

I was blessed, and today I'm sharing my blessing.

I can say this, and share it with you, because of the wonderful soul I have been connected to. Have you ever just had the feeling that you were meant to know someone? To have someone in your life, in your presence? This happened to me around the end of January. Here's my story:

Monday, January 26th, 9:34 A.M.

I had the feeling to call a friend. Usually when I get a feeling like that, I go ahead and call, not knowing exactly why I felt compelled to call. So, I called. I was expecting Jean to answer the phone with her normal "hello" in her happy voice. What I received was not what I had expected.

Jimmy, her husband, answered the phone. I asked how Jean was, and he informed me that they were at the hospital, and was thought that she had a stroke or TIA of some sort. I could tell he was worried, and I told him to tell her I'd pray for her. I hung up with an overbearing sense that I needed to pray. So I did. 

Tuesday, January 27th.

I had a lunch appt in the Woodlands with a friend I haven't seen in a while. While at lunch, I received a phone call from a VC on School Art letting me know the news about Jean and where she was. I thanked her and finished my lunch. Afterwards, I decided to go check on her, in Katy. Took a while, but by the time I got over there, I wasn't sure if they would allow visitors in ICU. I made my way onto the floor, the nurses station and asked how she was doing. The nurse on call said, "why don't you let her tell you how she's doing." With that I smiled, knowing that was an excellent sign that she was doing better. I walked down to the ICU room (corner room, I might add, roomy ;) and nice), knocked on the door and walked in.

This is where it happened.

You see, Jean knew me from school art. I've been on the committee for 5 years. I like a few people but never really connected with anyone like I have on the other committees I have volunteered for... But she didn't really "know" me, except from working shows with her over the years. She always had an infectious smile and I was immediately comfortable around her. She made me laugh, and that is a rare talent! She didn't have her nose in the air, as some other volunteers did, and she was always very sweet to me when I worked with her. Approachable. That would be a good term. This year, however, I had talked to her more than usual because I saw her and her husband at a volleyball game I was taking photographs. Their granddaughter played for that team, and I saw them there. Uncanny... yes. Appointed, I believe so. I talked to her off and on, and emailed her photos from that game. Then rodeo was approaching, and I ran into a problem. There wasn't really anyone else I knew to speak to about it, but her, so I called her. I met her at a show, and talked to her about the issue for a little bit. That's it. :)

So when I walked into her ICU room, Jimmy was near the window answering text messages from concerned friends, she was in the bed, smiling and being welcoming as usual. I instantaneously smiled, hugged her, sat and talked to her, helped her with what she needed help with, and just sat still. I sat beside her bed, held her hand, said silent prayers to God that He would be with her and help her heal, help her eyes see clearly, and to not be dizzy anymore. I felt a grace that blanketed the room. It was a bit odd, but God works in all places, and at that moment, I felt good. I felt as though she would heal. And I was so blessed to know her. God did this. Had nothing to do with me.

Their food arrived for dinner and I went downstairs and "borrowed" some lemon packets from the cafeteria so they could add lemon to their fish :) to make it more tasty. But she wasn't eating too much. Didn't have an appetite. I think I helped her walk a little, and then back to her bed. Their daughter came and I then left to give them time together. Told her I'd check on her tomorrow.

I went home that night and prayed again. Something inside of me felt the need to fervently pray for her, so I did. Still not knowing all the details of what happened, I prayed a blanket prayer for her and Jimmy. God heard me. 

Wednesday, January 28th

I worked in the morning, and then headed back to Katy to check on Jean. They had moved her to her own room, so that was good. Progress. Even if a little at a time. Much happier today. Still a little dizzy. PT had her walk but didn't finish the route because there were visitors in her room and she had to stop and talk to them... So after all left, and I got up there, Jimmy went home for a bit, Jean and I walked the entire hall, down and back... slowly. She did great. She had to stop just twice because she was feeling dizzy, but caught herself. Baby steps, but steps in the right direction. Then I left around 6:45. (ran over a Nissan sentra's door on the way out, but no big deal. buldzr was fine)

Thursday, January 29th

She was released to go home. Great news. Prayed some more and felt my faith grow stronger.
There was something special about this moment in my life. Wasn't quite sure what it was yet, but I was adamant that I wasn't going to ignore this nudge from God.


From then on, I visited her and Jimmy at their home... I worked the 3D competition with Marie and Karen, because she asked me to. It sure wasn't because I was asked by anyone in my division of School Art. But I had no problem doing whatever I needed to do to help. I have invested myself in their life. Goes to show how one incident can change the world we live in. I have been unequivocally changed. So thank you, Jean and Jimmy, for letting me care. :)

I am blessed that I now not only have a beautiful blessing that I can call my friend, but another beautiful soul that God has given me to love. Thanks for being a part of my life.

And to give thanks where thanks is due...If it weren't for my mom who taught me long ago to care for others with a giving heart, helping hands, open mind, and prayers to God, I wouldn't be able to love like I love today... and I thank God every day for her and her wisdom she has shared with me. Love you Mommy!

Expectations

Small word with lots of meaning. Causes heartache sometimes for no reason. Overjoyed when exceeding them. Ugh.

I used to think that expecations were a bad thing. Why waste my time expecting something to happen that very well might never happen? Or why get my hopes up just to be let down? Funny thing is... every single human being will be let down if we put our hopes, dreams, and expectations in anything that is does not put God first. That's a basic faith fact.

I am at a point in my life where expectations do nothing for me. Whether the expectation is coming from me, or directed at me. I have often said that I will do anything for anyone but the moment they expect me to do it (when it's usually done out of the goodness of my heart), it takes away the meaning to me, and becomes almost like an obligation rather than something gracious. It removes any sort of intrinsic reward that I ever felt, and in a way demeans the relationship.

At this point, I ponder about that... and find myself on the other end of the rope. I have caught myself expecting from others (whether actions, words, or feelings), when I know that nothing good comes of it... especially without communication. I pray to God that I am making good, Godly decisions, based on His expectations and no one elses. If I do that, I should be good.

But alas, we are all imperfect humans. Please pray for me as well.
Thank you.