Some of you think it's so strange that I write down what I am thinking... Well, if I didn't want you to know what I was thinking, I wouldn't attempt to write on this blog/journal. Anyway, she said, and I quote,
"You can only trust in the Lord. Humans will let you down, my dear. They will always let you down. No matter who it is..."
I sit here and basically beat myself up thinking I did something wrong, said something wrong, looked at someone wrong... but in actuality, I don't deserve this. No one deserves to feel belittled, unloved, underappreciated... but many people do. Why do I sit here and ponder over stupid stuff, that won't make a difference 5 years from now anyway... probably won't make a difference in 10 minutes...
People do let me down. And irritates me how I notice it. I am disappointed in someone at the moment. They have no idea. It's all because of my expectations I am certain. So I'll get over it.
I have often wondered why can't they, and what if they, and why don't they... I am really tired of trying to understand the way people think. I'm not a psychologist, psychic, doctor, counselor, etc... (and bless you if you are one)... and it gives me a headache to try and "figure people out" when I shouldn't have to.
One minute, every thing is fine.
The next minute, it's totally opposite.
Have you ever not wanted to answer the phone? Ok, for some of you, this isn't a far stretch from your reality... but for me, I genuinely like to talk to people, all kinds of people, except bill collectors and solicitors... but for the most part, I just like talking to people. But there are those moments, when I just want to hit "ignore" when someone calls because I just don't have the energy to be happy and upbeat and positive, especially if their life is filled with drama and I have to listen to it... call me selfish. insensitive. whatever you like. but that's what I feel.
I read two chapters of my book, Blue Like Jazz... and came to the conclusion that I feel some of what the writer was feeling. At the end of Chapter 1, I highlighted a paragraph that I can relate to...
Other people have feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually mean something, that I can make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them. I suddenly felt responsible. I was supposed to make them happy, not sad...
From Chapter 2...
If you don't love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them, you get pleasure from their pleasure and it makes it easy to serve...
the path to joy winds through a dark alley.
5 Questions I ask myself right now:
Why do I let myself become emotionally attached to someone else?
Am I doing what God wants me to do to make Him happy, which in turn makes others happy?
Why do I question the reasons for the friendships I have?
Why do I let tiny actions cause larger reactions from me?
How long will I have to walk in the dark before joy slaps me in the face?
feel free to fill me in on the answers if you feel so inclined. :)
Love it!
ReplyDeleteAnswers to your questions ~ I'll send you a bill in the mail!:
1. Because it's in your nature. You are a compassionate person, and caring for others comes naturally.
2. Do not worry about ANYONE else in YOUR walk with God! It's YOUR walk, honey... not theirs. If they would stay on their path with God, they wouldn't be judging you, right?
3. Because you are a deep thinker. You can't just "be friends" with someone; you want it validated. You want to make sure they feel the way you feel...and in most cases, they don't.... hence, the humans letting you down thingy!
4. Again, it's your nature...your genes. Explosions, jumping to conclusions... these things all run in the family. We must learn how to suppress those things and think things through before we speak our minds! Also, having a sensitive intuition does not help... it's almost like you know what the other person is thinking... scary!
5. When you say... walk in the dark; are you meaning in your walk with Jesus? Hope not... the Linda I know is walking in the light.
A little something I learned from Beth Moore:
7 facts about Psalm 37:4 ~ "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."
1. Nothing dictates our lives like our desires.
2. Beneath the desires of our hearts is the heart of our desire.
3. Delighting in God adapts our desires into inevitabilities.
4. Nothing external can steal our right to delight.
5. To make room for delight we've got to commit.
6. Nothing is passive about patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight.
7. Till faith becomes sight, trust in God and do good.
Linda, be YOURself. Do what YOU want to do. If someone is not reciprocating a friendship, then maybe it's best to distance yourself. Remain friendly, but give space. A lot of people are not use to the kind of friendship that you offer! You are a GIVER; and in this crazy world, there are not many of those left! I love you, for who YOU are!!!