Giving and Friends

Sitting here contemplating on just how to say this, so it doesn't step on any toes, or hurt any feelings of anyone reading this... is hard.

I've always been one to tell you what I feel, good or bad, which sometimes isn't the most appropriate answer or reaction in that particular time or place. I've had a lot of time to think about things... Some might say this is good, some others might disagree... because you know me. :)

Going back to what my grandmother said when I was little... I love hard, and hate hard... though I don't necessarily agree with the latter... I tend to not like people, and remove myself from that path. Sometimes, I think I set myself up for disappointment. Not sure why... but seems to happen more often than not... and I'm usually a pretty upbeat positive person.

First of all... my family. I love my family. Grant it, there are a few people in my family, that have tremendously disappointed me, and I don't really care to associate with them, unless I have to. Again, most people who know me wouldn't think that I would "think" like this... that I am a forgiving person, have a forgiving nature... which for the most part is true. This doesn't mean I don't love the fallen family members... I just am tired of the inconsistency in their levels of respect, caring, compassion, and good will toward others, as well as myself. So, I just don't associate with them. Now... the family I love... I love. I would do anything for them. And most of them know it.

I miss my father so much... sometimes waves of emotion come over me and it just hits me like a brick to the forehead... I wish I could call him and ask his advice, or just share what's going on with me... and just let him listen. He was good at that. He, for the most part, let me come to my own conclusion about what was going on... although, I could always feel his caring in his voice when he spoke to me on the phone, or in his eyes when I looked right in them... or even in his big hug, which I miss... he was tall, and I was so spoiled to being wrapped in his arms after a basketball game or just hugging me goodnight. I know he's with me, not only because I'm a lot like him... but because there are so many things that he did to leave fingerprints on my heart... and hopefully, I can reciprocate that by helping others, loving others, and giving to others...

Which leads me to giving... GIVING... Talk about a word with meaning. Think about this for a minute... Why wouldn't you want to give? You don't need money to give... you don't need clout... you just need compassion. For years, I haven't understood why some people don't compelled to give... anything... their time, their attention, their ears, their hands, their home, their empathy... And still, to this day, there are a few "friends" of mine, who just don't get it... They think I'm crazy for doing what I do... but I enjoy giving... but only when it's not expected... for when it is expected, it takes the joy away from giving, and almost becomes a burden...

So... if I have ever given you something, material or not... please know that it comes from my heart, it's sincere, and I don't expect anything in return. Mutual respect and love shared among friends is always a good thing... so if you want to do something for me in return... just love me as I am... don't try and put me in a box (doesn't work... it's been tried before), don't criticize me for giving (although, other criticism is acceptable), and try and not add too much drama to my already drama-filled life.

My friends... I love my friends. Ask yourself, if you are one of my friends... "Why are we friends?"... and actually answer it. I do this... And I listen to myself... I never start a sentence with "Because I"... I always point out the good in others... (because there is good in EVERYONE, no matter what you may think)... I do this on occasion to keep me in check, and make sure I am surrounding myself with the right kind of people...that build me up, not tear me down. Get away from destructive relationships... I've learned that those only make the blood pressure rise. As hard as it may be to dissolve a friendship due to too many differences in beliefs, character, or whatever the case may be... ten years from now, you'll be able to see more clearly why certain people are in your life for that moment... but not necessarily forever. This is sad to me on few levels, because when I love my friends... I love them. Period. It's just sad to have to let go. But sometimes it's necessary to do that, in order to see more clearly where God wants me to go.

I would list them on here... but there are too many that I care about, and if I left someone off, Heaven forbid. My friends know how I feel about them, because I make it a point to tell them... often... how I feel. How sad would it be to have had someone you could totally be yourself with, have loads of fun, make memories with that will last a lifetime... and never tell them that you love 'em... like a dear friend of mine said... it's like giving roses (metaphorically speaking) to your friends while they are here... so they can appreciate them...

so... to all my friends... my best friends, my true friends, my lifelong friends, and my new friends... I love you all. :)